Cards

We are all born with different cards on our hands. Some are luckier, they have looks, money, or special talents. Some are less lucky, they are disabled, poor, or they belong nowhere. The world is unfair you might say, but this is the way it is and nothing can change that. 

We are all born with different cards on our hands, but how we play it is entirely up to us.

Our Brains are Not Limitless.

We forget what we say or write most of the time. Ask me about the notes I took in class today, I might not be able to recite everything to you without referring. Same with blogs and assignments. I just received my essays from last semester and when I read it, all that went through my mind was, "Did I write that?" "That was a dumb mistake!! Why did I do that!" and similar thoughts. 

Refer to a random post you made a few months ago and you'll see what I mean.

Knowing Someone.

There are so many emotions kept inside that I want to share, but not everything can be described in words.

'Give me a lifetime, I'll show you everything that makes me who I am and what I'm not.' - Hannah Hart (Spend A Little Bit)

Somethings can only be shown through experience and process. But because I am a living, growing, human being, I do change from time to time. So just because you used to know me well, doesn't mean that you know me well now. The quote above says it all. Never assume you know someone well because there will always be changes that we need to assimilate and accommodate about an individual.

Rant: I have a crush on you?

I really hate it when people just assume that you have a crush on them and start to avoid you or even worst, start telling you off! I was walking with a friend one day and she suddenly told me that we can't be together because her parents wouldn't allow it and I'm like 'The fuck's wrong with you bro? I don't remember proposing to you!!'... Of course I didn't say it out loud it's all in my head but seriously? How can someone be so sure that you like them?!?! And the funniest thing is that the people who avoid/confront me because they think I am crushing on them usually have never crossed my mind as a romantic partner. Maybe they have a misconception that lesbians fall for every girl they see or whatever, but still, I don't know exactly how large a person's ego has to be for them to convince themselves that someone is madly in love with them. 

I'm just really grossed out by these people and if they fear that I would have a crush on them, they should rest assured because I never will. 

I wish these people can see how much of a joke they are. 

Hello!

I know I have been ridiculously emo with my posts lately, but I just need a venting ground. I just need somewhere to put my thoughts down because I have been thinking too much. Don't worry, I'm not about to kill myself nor hide my sorrows with a smile. When I'm happy, I'm genuinely happy. It's just that when I am at home and alone, I think about things that bother me.

I am thankful for everyone that has shown concern towards me. I don't want you to worry about me cuz there really is nothing to worry about! If I am really depressed, I can't fake a smile. And in that sense, I am a bad actress! Hahah!

So yeah, I'm fine. No worries!
Xoxo

More reflections.

I remember that day when I was stand in front of my mirror. I was buttoning my shirt and you just casually put your arms around my waist. With that, I immediately froze. It's funny how most people fall in love with the first kiss but that hug from the back - it caught me off guard. Your chin was resting on my shoulder and I could smell the shampoo from your hair. The fragrance reminded me of childhood. You tightened your hug, and I looked into the mirror only to realise that we were both smiling. It was full of innocence and bliss.

It's soft lips and it's hair

It's fire I see when a woman's there

It's not mind not body,

It's heart.

Those were the lyrics from Heart by Jenna Anne. Every time I listen to that song, it brings me back to that moment. To be absolutely honest, I've only considered myself to have been in one true relationship. Yes, I had many past relationships but none of them were as deep as the one where I discovered that I could never go back to dating men. I don't know what the relationship meant to my ex, but it meant a lot to me. It's almost like a puzzle that I can never solve but I never want to stop trying and till now, I am still trying to figure it all out. Even though I no longer have that sore, empty feeling in my heart now whenever I think about our relationship, my heart remembers how it was like.

And I can understand how a person, who has never been in a relationship, might not understand the obsession for love. It's like not being able to miss the taste of a cherry pie because you have never tasted one before. But when the heart has felt that kind of love, it always tends to crave for it and find ways to get that feeling back. That's how people convince themselves that they should date random people, as if falling in love with any random person would bring back that feeling of ecstasy that comes with love. And I can't talk shit about that because I was one of those people too.

I used walk around being as confident as a douche bag, and I guess people just played along too. Most of my relationships started with something like "Hey sexy." and ended in less than a month with "Well, that was fun! Bye for now." and I don't want to play in that game anymore.

I don't know what made me see this, but it is all so clear now. I'm still a child inside with a lot to learn. I know too little about people, things, and life. And at the age of 18, most people are like me too. The closest thing I have to a lifetime of experience is probably Hollywood and Hollywood is for fantasies, not real life.

Everyone has their own opinions, but in my opinion, I'm not ready to date again unless I live on my own expenses and have my emotional issues sorted out. And I expect the same for my future girlfriend whom I can, hopefully, call her my wife someday.

Link to Heart by Jenna Anne: http://youtu.be/koBH4WuJRj4

Lost Pages: Past

If I could turn back time and change whatever I wanted, I would treat people better. It's not fun holding on to the regret of not being able to treat someone the way they deserved to be treated once they are gone. And the memories are painful because I only remember 2 things: (1) The undeserving good treatment that I got and (2) How much of a bastard I was. Every time I think of it, I feel like punching myself in the face.

Instead of going into self-hate, I should treat the current people in my life better but it's easier said than done. Nowadays, There are moments when I just can't stand myself. 

I used to be able to brush off negative comments but now, images of situations whereby this negative comment may be true comes into mind even when the comment is made by a friend who was merely joking.

There are so many regrets holding me back. Sometimes, I randomly grunt while eating or doing a task as I just recalled a mistake I've done in the past but when people ask me what's wrong, I'd say 'nothing'. 

I know it's like crying over spilled milk. Maybe I just need time to get over it.

Lost Pages: My Little Encounter

Today I am going to write something very intimate for a change. This post would actually be in my journal/dairy if I actually had one but the fact is, I don't. And so in this post I will talk about my honest feelings and hopefully you can relate to them. This kind of posts would be called 'Lost Pages' from now on.

Recently, I have decided to play Runescape... Hey! Don't judge, okay? I like to re-live my childhood once in awhile! Lol. Anyway, I could not excess my main account anymore (I haven't played it in 5 years, I think) so I started from scratch. Now, you have to understand that Runescape is the kind of game I would play due to boredom and it doesn't really matter what level I am at as long as I have fun with friends and keep myself occupied. So the thought of someone actually being proud of his or her level in Runescape didn't really seemed possible to me. I was level 80 once and I still die in the Wilderness, still smith items for money, and still am unable to solve certain quests! Eventually, I stopped playing cuz training when you are at such a high level is frustrating. You take a damn long time just to up a combat level (and that, was an important reinforcer to me). LOL!

But there are many cases of bullying in Runescape and (I believe) in other MMORPGs as well. And one most common form of bullying is verbal bullying (calling them noob, etc.). Today, I just met a guy who spotted me training on the guards at Varrock and upon seeing me struggling with the guard there he immediately said, "Lol, wtf." and then he proceeded to kill a guard. Considering that he is of quite a high level, he did it pretty easily. And so, he proclaimed, "That was easy. -.-" "Why the hell are you killing guards?" and he said more things but I can't remember. I didn't reply to any of them but I could feel that his level in Runescape meant a lot to him. I have to admit that his words got my heart racing. I could feel the anger rise in me but I made a promise to myself long ago that I would not fight pointless fights. So the next thing I could do was to think about that guy and relate what he did to real life. And now, I kinda thank fate that I met him.

He made me realised that whoever who makes fun of you while you are at a low point is most likely afraid that you will someday be better than them. At the gym for example, anyone who laughs at a fat person running on a treadmill or a skinny person trying hard to lift weights, is secretly afraid that those people will one day be better than them. They feel that they are better than those people and will never dare to believe that those people can, someday, come up to their level.

So now, whenever someone laughs at me or tries to demotivate me, I know that what I am doing is a threat to them... And it becomes a motivation.

Negativity Whirlpool

Those who understand the law of attraction would understand this easily. 

When someone believe that they are at a down period of their lives, they feel that nothing is going their way and the start to find examples of things not going their way. This creates a negativity whirlpool which will result in the person getting 'sucked' into a depressing state of constantly feeling lousy. This person could choose to dwell in the negativity until something good happens, or choose to start taking this more positively.

Halfway through September.

September has been a really embarrassing month for me. I got enlightened about my flaws and all the flaws of the people around me. And I feel that the only reason why things will never be good enough for any of us will be because of our constant longing for greater things.

Just like how a person with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) would keep on repeating an action because he/she thinks that it's not good enough (e.g. washing hands), we all have some level of obsession about improving ourselves or the things/people around us. And the beauty in this is that as long as someone in the human race isn't satisfied, the world will continue to 'develop' the human way.

Being able to recognise my flaws is a good thing as I will be able to develop myself. But it isn't always as easy as it sounds because people often have trouble accepting their flaws, which is the first step to change. And I am still struggling with that.

I don't know how to say this but there is a lot of self-hate and negativity that comes with the recognition of my flaws. I knew I wasn't perfect, but I didn't know that I was that bad. But whatever it is, there is no point of dwelling in self-pity and sorrow. It's time to do the best that I can to save the things I haven't destroyed and change for the better.

Wish me luck.

Life in General.

Recently, I have been having many thoughts about myself. And most of these thoughts are between the heart and the mind. I realised that up till the day that I die, I will be living life on a trial an error basis because there is no one right answer to life and there's no way to turn back and change a wrong answer.

On a random note, I really like bishan park. Lol. Gonna jog there more often.

Forgotten

This year I have learnt that once you stop doing something, it is as good as you've never started. Taekwondo, piano, choir... These are the things I feel that I shouldn't have stopped. However, I couldn't prevent not stopping choir since SP didn't have choir. but I really really missed being in choir. And no matter how you can't hear GYSS choir when they sing (somehow), I still miss being in it.

Today I was with my Taekwondo people at Bishan CC for a National Day Celebration and GYSS choir performed. And to my surprise, I couldn't recognize anyone anymore!! I fel
t like I was never in the choir. It's sad but true... I think the choir will never be what I remember it as ever again. When I graduated, my conductor left, and I think it was quite a bad timing because if my conductor stayed, I think I would still be in the choir even though I had my O's!

But old things have to go for the new ones to take it's place.
My batch was a unique batch but this new batch is their's to treasure.

And as for taekwondo and piano, these are skills that will disappear after you quit. Of course there will be a base that remains, but if you don't practice these skills for years, you are just slightly better than the pure beginner.

I'm not expecting myself to do ALL of these things intensely, but I hope that I can just do a little of each everyday.

Looking back.

You can't remember everything you've said or done. That's why it's good to keep a blog and sort out your thoughts. Whether people read this or not doesn't matter to me. In fact, I personally believe that no one ever reads my blog and that's why I get so shocked when people talk about my blog to me!

I used to do motivational posts. And I still wish to do so because writing helps me find the light in my dim situations. It helps me sort my thoughts and when I'm sad or stuck, I just look back at what I've said and see if it helps me or not.

This is a short paragraph I stumbled upon when looking back:

"Everything happens for a reason. If it wasn't because of the things that happened in the past, you wouldn't be at this state today. Whether your current state is good or bad, you are in it for a reason too. 

Since everything happens for a reason, you happened for a reason too. You have a role and purpose on this Earth and that is to be YOU. Everyone on this Earth is different and unique in their own ways. Some are fat some are skinny, some and generous and some are stingy. You are you for a reason and it's okay to be different. " - September, 2011

Life has been stressful for me lately but I have been taking it with a ton of positivity and managing it as well as I can. I think it will be awhile until I write posts like this again... but until then, you can randomly read my old posts! Hahah

Trust Issues

In a therapy session with a psychologist (who happened to be my lecturer), a child expressed rage and anger toward her parents. The psychologist managed to calm her down and asked her why she was so mad... The child replied, "BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE A SIBLING!!" It didn't make sense in the first place because having siblings would mean lesser space, lesser financial support, and even lesser attention because everything is shared! But upon further questioning, the child explained that she feared the day that her parents leave her because that would be the day she has no one to call her own.

As I grow up, I feel that there are really lesser and lesser people you can trust. Married couples divorce, best friends drift apart... Only those who share the same blood are bonded forever.

Cousins are not as directly linked as people under the same branches of the family tree. Plus, for me, I hardly talk to my cousins at all! Sometimes we don't even see each other during CNY. So I don't think I can depend on them if I have troubles in the future. But all these are just random worries that appear in my head. I believe that when the time comes, I will find a way. 

I hope I find a wife that I can really trust with all my heart. I can live on my own too, but of course I would prefer not to.

All the shitty-ness of my recent past relationships have left me pretty sick and tired of 'love' and I concluded that I am not mentally mature enough for a relationship yet as of now. 

Project Willpower #3: Continue!

Project willpower had a rocky start as CAs started pouring in when I start school. In fact, CAs are still pouring in right now. I just presented 2 CAs and submitted 1 lesson plan this week and it's only Wednesday! But lucky for me, that's all for this week. 

So project Willpower continues and I think I should take it step my step. My last approach was too overwhelming as I implemented all changes within a night. Suddenly I had to cook a lot more and not drink alcohol! It's like building a tall building without any foundation and expecting it to not topple.

Well, my building toppled within a few CAs. Lol.

So, from now on, every 2 weeks I will change one thing in my life that I feel is unhealthy. This time, I will start off with drinking 2litres of water a day.

0.5ounce x weight in pounds = daily required intake of water (ounces)

I currently only drink a maximum of  1.5 litres a day and the minimum could be 500ml. This is lesser than my daily requirement (2litres). I will start off with drinking my maximum 1.5 litres a day for a week and slowly try to get 2 litres into my system by the end of 2 weeks (1st Aug).

This weekend I will probably blog about the benefits of water. 

I use 'probably' cuz I think I have something due on monday...

Shit... :/

Project Willpower #2: Paused.

It all went well for the first week. I ate according to my zero willpower eating plan and gave forfeits whenever I don't. Then, school happened. And I am being fed CAs even before I finish my last CA! It's like being served lunch right after you realised that breakfast was too much to finish (and you have yet to finish your breakfast)!

My current workload is horrible for me and on top of that, I have piano practices too. But no complains! The amount of work sorta excites me. If I can do it, it means that I have conquered it. I guess it's just my unconscious way of turning stress into energy.

Piano makes me busier, but I don't regret it. It's very relaxing, calming and stress relieving for me. AND best of all, because I am taking classical piano now, I can pursue my dream of becoming a musical therapist in a hospice!

I will update again when I have more time. For now, project willpower is paused but it shall start again soon! This time, with more spice!

Hold On!

I am aware that I haven't blogged about Project Willpower for last week yet! I am having tests this week. Will update soon~

The Truth of The Hunger Games

This spoken poem hit me really hard. It made me realise that The Hunger Games is more than just a fictional story. In fact, the psychological pain that every victor goes through after The Hunger Games is as real as the trauma every soldier will face after coming back from a war.

"How many wars will it take us to learn that only the dead return the rest remain forever caught between worlds of shrapnel shatters body of three year old girl?"

The soldiers that return from a war will never be the same person again. Their hearts crippled with shock and hands drenched with blood. How can we fight for freedom and happiness when the people who fought for us sleep every night with their eyes open to the replayed scenes of bombings and gore?

"Not all casualties come home in body bags"

Just like how Haymitch has never been fully sober after the Hunger Games, no soldier has fully returned from a war.

My Almost Nothing - JT (A Spoken Poem Monologue)

This is my first spoken poem ever created. And because spoken poems are meant to be read out aloud (that's why they are called spoken poems) this might not make sense when you read it in your head. I promise to post a video clip of me reading it when I am free. But for now, here's the poem:

Maybe you see home as broken
Softer than hair
As stable as floating on air
And maybe it's something you don't believe that you can lean on

Let alone live in

Maybe it's my fault the skies are grey
but I have been trying my best to brighten things up
Brightening it with lights so artificial
It's like placing awkward pictures on the living room walls to cover up the holes

I used to feel warmth but now it's just heat.

'Cause to the people who already know the truth
The holes are so big,
Mending them seemed pathetic.


No use trying to blind yourself with the lights.
When the darkness is as easy to hide as a tattoo across your forehead that says, "Coward."

Lazy.
Fat.
Ugly.
Stupid.
Loser.

And what if one day, this heat turns into a fire...

Would I still save my "Almost Nothing" and leave by the front door
Or jump out of the window to end it all?


I would be laughed at if "Almost nothing" was all that I have.

But I will stay strong enough to laugh at those people
Because if "Almost Nothing" is what I now have
Then I am stronger than them.
I have nothing to lose!

Because the day I stepped out of that burning house, I learned...
That all the light that I need, is the light in our heart keeps us warm
And no one can take that light away.

While you have your degrees in paper,
But I have my degrees in heart and
Let me tell you, it is as hot as fire.

Love.
Passion.

Sometimes the only thing that matters is your point of view

Some good days don't start with blues skies
And bad days don't always start with darker hues

So I will pack my "Almost Nothing" and turn that into "Something"
Something that matters this time.

Short Thought

This has been in my head since ear 1 of poly...

Secondary school:
A: I'm gay
B: OMG.. You lesbian ah? Eeeee *runs away* *tells all the girls to be careful of you*

Polytechnic:
A: Hmm... You are my friend right. Well.. Actually, I.. Errm.. I'm gay.
B: Oh, so you like girls? Okay.

Lol, what happened in between?! Or maybe my secondary school lacked the understanding or homosexuality... Haha, either ways, I still find it kinda funny.

June is PRIDE month! :D

This month is pride month, but I feel like everyday is pride day for me because I have a very open-minded and accepting father and a bunch of wonderful friends! The only person I might need to hide my sexual orientation from is my mother...

I know many people who have it worse off than me.
And that's why I am truly thankful for each and every awesome one of you! :]

It doesn't matter if you are LGBT, straight, or slightly confused...
Pride month is for everyone!

Come to pink dot on the 30th of June to celebrate pride, sg style! :D

Removing The Label

Sometimes people like to give themselves labels. It gives them something to follow. It answers questions like who am I, why am I here, what is my purpose, and how am I suppose to behave. I am not saying that it is wrong to have a label, in fact, I too have a few labels. Sometimes labels give us a sense of security, sometimes they give us mixed feelings.

Recently I have decided to rename my introduction section of my blog. I changed it from "The Butch" to "I Am". The butch is a huge label. And like how some labels at the back of the clothing can bother you sometimes, this label, "Butch" has been prickling me for sometime now.

When searched on google, the word 'Butch' is defined as this:

Butch

Adjective:	Manlike or masculine in appearance or behavior, typically aggressively or ostentatiously so.
Noun:	A mannish lesbian, often contrasted with a more feminine partner.
Synonyms:	masculine

Yes, there is no doubt that I am a boyish female lesbian, however being defined this way makes me feel restricted because I am putting a label on myself and restricting myself from experiencing things that feminine females would experience. I would want to put on nail polish, but I stop and think, "Nah, that's so feminine." or "Omg, if I wear pink, would other girls think that I am not manly enough?". These are just some examples. Other stereotype that follows this label are, "You are suppose to be faster than me! You are a butch leh!" (says a feminine female). I had to highlight his because it is funny how my choice of physical appearance has changed people's perception of my biological make up! Haha.

I am a girl after all and people tend to forget that but I don't blame them for it. My voice is lower than most females and I am bulkier than most females too. I don't mind dudes treating me like a bro, but it kinda hurts when girls treat me like a male too. I will never be a male or a boyfriend. Comparing me and another dude is like comparing a lamp to a speaker. The speaker gives you music while the lamp gives you light. They both are useful, but if you choose to compare the speaker to the lamp and judge them by their ability to give light, then the speaker won't stand a chance!

We all have our own quality and it's okay that they don't match any label or stereotype. Labels are for clothing and let's just leave it at that. :)

"I am who I am"

Just Sharing: Jenna Marbles

This had me giggling like an idiot every time I think about it. So I just thought I'd like to share it with you guys! It's just this girl's impression of what happens in the morning for both males and females.

Project Willpower: Please help me?

I am excited to tell you that I have decided to take on an 8 week challenge which I would call Project Willpower. I think it's no secret that I have been trying very hard to lose weight and I am really really tired of getting results so slowly! Therefore, I feel that determination and consistency is key.

Though these 8 weeks, there will be times that I am busy or less motivated to continue with this project because in these 8 weeks, I will have projects submissions, I will have assignments, I might move house, I am going to learn how to drive, and I am going to take piano classes again. These changes might tick me off and strip me of my discipline to stay true to my program. This is where I need YOUR help.

I will update you on my weight and how I look every week (on Sunday) with a post beginning with "Project Willpower" if you ever catch me not posting on a Sunday, please be a friend and check on me. Maybe scold me a little. Hahaha, I might hate you for it, but in the long run, I will love you.

Okay, enough about me! Let me tell you how this challenge is gonna work. This program consists of the following:

 1) At LEAST 30mins of workout a day.
 2) The zero willpower eating technique. (go google it!)
 3) Sleep tracking. 7-8 hrs of sleep a day.
 4) Alcohol cannot be taken more than once a week.
 5) Sunday's a rest & blog day.

I have been through many different diets and workout plans, I have seeked trainers and joined gym memberships but I think the only thing that is keeping me from my goal is inconsistency. That's why I came up with this program. And your job is to force me to be consistent! So please, torture me as much as possible.

I will not cheat. I will not lie. If I screw up, I will blog about it. And if I really screwed it up, I will do the whole 8 weeks all over again.

This time I am determined to see results.
This time there is no turning back.

Let the transformation begin!

Roller Coaster Ride.

This is for the month of May.

This month, I put my heart on a roller coaster ride and I learnt a lot. Yes, it was an unwise move but life didn't come with an instructional manual and 50 years from now, many people will be more regretful of the things that they had not done than the things that they have.

This month, I found out that I have a heart.
I found out that I can suffer from a fall.
I found out who to not trust.
I found out that some times you wouldn't consciously know when your heart decides to put itself in the hands of another person.
I found out that some people who seem really happy on the outside are really sad inside.
And lastly, I found out that we should just hide all our sorrows or only share them with certain people cuz no one gives a sh*t and some are probably even happy that your life is so fucked up.

It's always easier drown in your own sympathy and say that your life's like shit, but I advice you to keep your heads up! Someone else would gladly take your place in life and work their way out of your rut because they see hope in it.

While you are blinded by self-pity, someone else might see hope in your life. Take the point of view from that person and face life with your heads up! Because when the grass looks greener on the other side, it's time you watered your own grass.

The past is the past and somethings that you did can't be undone. You can only let it go. There is only so much weight you can carry. Let go of some weight, then you will be able to move further in life.

You didn't remember the day it happened. I trusted your words with my heart.But now I know, you don't mean the things you say.Now I know not to take you seriously anymore.

You taught me the importance of sincerity,

Sincerity is the weight of the words.

Changes

Probably redesigning my page soon. I removed the Cbox cuz it'just there to collect spam and most of the people who actually read my blog would just tell me what they want to say when they meet me. However, I don't know all my readers... It's scary to see that I randomly get 20 views from Singapore on a day that I didn't blog at all! 20 views is not a lot but I'm shocked cuz I thought no one ever reads this blog except for a few of my friends. Anyways, if you do view this blog, thanks and I hope you enjoy reading my posts!

Stay happy.

A Thousand Cranes

I'm in a good mood. :]

It's been while since I smiled while typing a blog post. I should really be finishing up the citations on my proposal right now, but I don't really care. I'm happy!

I'm happy because I'm finally freed. 

I am happy because I am not trying to be strong anymore, 

I am strong. At least for now.

So I decided to blog about the SP Theatre Compass piece I watched last night. It's called A Thousand Cranes. It was piece about the attack of the atomic bomb in Hiroshima and the lives it took and is still taking away because of the radioactive waves left behind by the bomb. I used to think they deserved it for being such greedy assholes, trying to rule the world and all. But now, I think otherwise. 

"The bombs are still falling today..."

A Thousand Cranes is about a girl called Sadako Sasaki. She was an excellent athlete until one day leukemia (a disease that was caused by the radioactive waves of the bomb) shattered her dreams. At her hospital bed, she was reminded by her friend about a saying, "If a sick person folds a thousand cranes, the Gods will grant her any wish!" So Sadako folded as many cranes as she could but she passed away before she could finish them...

So what could this girl wish for? If I was in her shoes, I would selfishly wished that I would recover and be able to run inter-school races again. But this girl did not wish for that... 

She wished that the bomb did not blow her grandmother away and that her grandmother would live again. She wished that the bomb never fell. For when it fell, it did not just attack those who were there.

After Sadako's death, her classmates helped her finish 1000 cranes. 

I believe the reason why I could relate to this piece so much is because I have been to the Nagasaki Peace Park during one of my geography exchange programs in secondary school. Nagasaki was the second place to be bombed by the US Military after Hiroshima. When I went there, I was given the honor to listen to the story of a atomic bomb survivor from an actual survivor. He was deaf in one ear and is suffering from leukemia. I remember feeling depressed that day as I visited the atomic bomb museum and saw the structure of the atomic bomb and the changes in shapes of daily objects after the bombing. Glass and cups were melted, any object that comes into contact of the radioactive waves could reach 1000 degrees. 

In Hiroshima Peace Memorial Park, a statue was built in memories of Sadako and the other children that died from the effects of the atomic bomb. Below the statue was a plague that reads:

"This is our cry. This is our prayer. Peace in the world."

I like how I was fully immersed in the play while watching it. My heart goes out to all those who have suffered from the effects of the bomb. Especially to the survivors who are still struggling from the effects because on their side, the war has not ended yet.

Rights to happiness

Let's go back to the times where people where less preoccupied.

Where television didn't exist. 

Where people watched live version of theater and music instead of recorded ones...

Where people played music together as a family for entertainment...

Where good or bad music didn't exist.

And singing, dancing and playing of an instrument is merely an act of happiness, like a smile... 

Just like how there's no such thing as an ugly smile... 

There used to be no such thing as bad music...

Being able to walk meant being able to dance.

Being able to talk meant being able to sing.

Everyone had the right to create.

Everyone had the right to express.

Everyone had the right to this action of happiness called making music...

Because there was no judgement.

Love vs. Lust

While I'm waiting for my hair to dry (it's been awhile since I needed to do that) I shall blog about the difference between love and lust.

Lust: Strong Desire, sexual.

Love: Tender, passionate affection toward another person. Sometimes, sexual.

I used to think that with lust, there will surely be love and with love, there will always be lust. But I was wrong. 

Recently I witness a break up between a couple. It was due to the fact that the girlfriend was over possessive over the guy and didn't let him do the things he want. The girlfriend would often convince him to skip CCA and she would get angry if he didn't. She also asks him out for 'study dates' when all she wants is to do everything with him except study. The term 'study date' was just used to lure him out. Eventually, the guy wanted his freedom and he broke up with her.

His reason for the break up made me think about my past relationships and it's really sad to say that I have little experience for love. I mostly experience lust.

Love is a complicated mix between friendship, sex, and partnership. A good couple should be able to talk like best friends, work like cooperative partners in business, and have sex like... woohoo! 

Love is more than just lust. Love is about helping to make each other's life better not about adding extra stress to each other's life. Love is about understanding, patience, and trust. Love is about knowing that somebody is still gonna love you and accept you even if you tell them that you joined a cult. Love is unexpected. Love brings surprises. Love can give you hell, love can also take you to heaven.Love is like facing life as a team.

Love has to limits.

Love has no reasons.

Love is something I have yet to experience.

Been thinking about my future lately...

"So, the truth is, there's not one path. The truth is, there's not only one right path. The truth is, all paths can be made to be the right path. The truth is, that every individual has a different path. And that different path that every individual is launching incrementally—and amending constantly—that true path is known by Source and is guided by Source if you will pay attention to the way you feel."
~ Abraham

The Face Without A Name. (A short story)

The day you introduced yourself to me, I told myself, "I want to get to know her better." You're cute. And there's something about you that I like a lot and I don't know what is it. I just like you. I can't get my eyes off you. I can't help but notice your every movement. And when you smiled, even if it isn't for me, my heart pumps twice as fast. I'm afraid if I actually get to have a conversation with you, I might die of a heart attack. Yet, all we said that day was "Hi."

I'm not the kind of person who ever believed in love at first sight, but just the night before I met you, I was thinking about what kind of a girl I would like to meet. Me being a lesbian makes it harder because I need to find a girl who also happens to like girls. I came to a conclusion that the person I was thinking about probably didn't exist and I might have to settle for something less until... I found you.

For the next few months, I've been trying to get your attention. I opened a door for you, printed a copy of the music sheet for you, helped you keep the chairs after our CCA is over... I even walked you to the MRT after CCA but you were too deeply buried in your bunch of friends for me to ever reach you... I was just a random follower to you.

We parted ways at the MRT. You had your parents to fetch you home while I took the MRT with the rest as a random lonely follower. Your friends weren't that bad... They tried to include me into their conversation with small talk. They really tried to open me up. But I guess I was too closed up in my own thoughts. Thoughts about you. Thoughts about how you waved goodbye to everyone, "Bye, Aisha! Bye, Nat! Bye, Kim! Bye, Ron!" but when it came to me, it was just "Bye!"

I don't mind being just a name to a face to you. But then I realised that I don't even have a name! I am just a familiar face to you! That's how much you notice me after so long.

I guess I'm shy.

Maybe that's why.

It took random meet up for you to notice me. I was the only person... No wait, I was the only FACE you knew there and you didn't want to be alone. So we talked. And it turned out well. But at the end of it all... It was still a bye. You still didn't know my name.

I don't know if I still like you but I think I shouldn't.

A person like you doesn't deserve me.

Or maybe I should introduce myself better next time.

Never Learnt This Much In A Month.

This month is worth blogging. I learnt a lot about myself. And the funniest thing is, throughout my entire life (okay, maybe just the past 5 years or so) of trying to understand myself, it is only this month that I've learnt a lot. Did I stop searching? No, I don't think so. Through correct interactions at the correct timing, things like this just come as and when they like. I guess that's why this month is so productive. No secrets.

#1 TAKE A BREAK

Many people fear having no friends or have no lover. Some (like me) fear break up of any sort, be it friends or lover. I am afraid to lose a relationship. But no matter how awesome I and another person may be together (friends or lovers), I will one day get tired of them. No, don't get me wrong! I don't mean I just suddenly hate them! I just don't want to see them for awhile and usually I get the same response from them too. I think it's just a natural thing. And when I do see them again, things usually become fresher and better. Maybe that's why people end up marrying their first love? Who knows? But my advice is, if you start to feel awkward with your friend and you somehow can't explain why, take a break. It will help the friendship.

#2 YOU MAKE YOUR OWN DECISIONS

This month, I have been watching The L Word. It is a TV series that involves a huge amount of Lesbian content that I can relate to. Many people think that watching The L Word is like watching porn, but I disagree! I guess it is possible if you only watched the sex scenes, but if you watched the series I am sure you would find the connection between two people beautiful instead of just full of lust. In fact, I cried during one of the sex scenes and I am the kind of person who DOESN'T cry during touching scenes in movies. (Ikr, I'm weird)

Okay, but that's not the point. I was going to tell you about something I learnt from The L Word. In The L Word, there was a lesbian couple named Alice and Tasha. Tasha worked in the U.S. Military. At that point of time, you could be kicked out of the military by being lesbian. So somehow, Tasha got caught having a girlfriend and so she had to go through trials (something like a court case). During the trial, Tasha did not plead guilty at first because she feels a strong commitment to the U.S. Military, however, after awhile, Tasha made a choice. She plead guilty because she loved Alice. In Tasha's mind, Alice was going to be with her forever. But she was dead wrong. Alice fell deeply in love with another woman. Alice wanted to give up that woman because Tasha gave up so much for her, but when Alice consulted her friend, Shane, Shane told Alice that everyone deserves to be happy and that no one should make their decisions based on someone else. Tasha was gay even before she met Alice. And I felt very strongly to that because the most regretful decisions I make are the ones that are based on others. It seems selfish but true. After all, everyone has a choice to leave but you can never leave yourself. No one owes you happiness.

#3 ASK WHEN YOU ARE UNSURE

Nuff said. Especially when the question is so big that it affects your mood.

Okay, I shall end my very long post here. Bye!

Without Judgement.

Alone without judgement is not alone.

Stupidity without judgement is not stupidity.

Ugliness without judgement is not ugly.

Beauty without judgement is not beauty.

I'm not saying that judgement is bad, but it is judgements that puts labels on things. Correct judgement helps us. Incorrect judgement misleads us. But more than often, judgement comes naturally. Just a simple "that looks delicious" is a judgement.

So is life without judgement possible? I would say that it is quite impossible. But I am still quite disturbed by the fact that I am constantly being misjudged. And the funniest thing is... I can't help the fact that people around me misjudge me. It's natural for them to judge and maybe that just happens to be the impression I left on them. But I realised that it is not their judgement that disturbs me most... It's me judging myself based on how others misjudge me. In other words, it is my own judgement that disturbs me most.

And at the end of the day, it's your own judgement about yourself that follows you home. The only way to get rid of it is to know who you really are.

Judgements are just labels... And labels are for clothing.

You are an ever-changing and unique person that no label or judgement can describe fully.

Don't let judgements stop you just because they were true at some point of time. You are more than that.

About Being Lesbian

I used to think that being gay was perfect and that everyone should be gay. Females are so complicated that only females could understand females and the same goes for men. Men are logical and unique creatures themselves too so it's easier for men to understand men. This makes everything better in a homosexual relationship. Right?

Wrong.

There is really not much of a difference in a lesbian relationship as compared to a straight relationship. Except the part about the periods and underwear and emotional stuff... but I'm sure guys are well informed about that nowadays too.

Women are known to be the more emotional gender out of the two and when two women come together, there's bound to be trouble. I have been seeing many posts about women logic and how much sense women DON'T make. For example, a post about women logic would look sound something like...

"He's offline - He's with that bitch!
He's online - He's chatting with that bitch!!"

However, no matter how much I laugh at women when I hang out with guys (sometimes girls too) I still like women and I am sure that my male friends like women too even though we laugh about them together. As crazy as it may sound, it excites me that there are so many emotions involved in a lesbian relationship. Although we fight twice as hard, but we also love twice as hard. A lesbian relationship certainly isn't for everyone because firstly, we can't help the fact that we like women and you can't just choose to like women either! And secondly, the drama that comes along with being a homosexual isn't easy (society hates you and shit). You know you're a lesbian when you meet a few jerky women that broke your heart yet you still want a relationship with a woman.

So here's to my favourite gender of the human species! The sometimes illogical but ultimately loving, caring, beautiful, capable and many other praises that can lead to the end of the universe... Women.

And preferably homosexual.
;)

Future Plans.

Recently, my life has been pretty much settled down. I finally know what I want to do. My aim in psychology is to work with hospice. It's not a path that many people choose to do, but I feel a calling for it. Plus, it is the area where musical therapy is greatly used. So yeah, that's my goal. I believe that death is as important and life. Dying in peace is something that everyone should have right to. The quality of death, determines a person's quality of life. If someone dies thinking that he is a burden and that his family has all left him to die because he is useless, it will affect his way of thinking about his life. He would feel unaccomplished and sad. I don't know what happens after death, but I feel that, just because a person is going to die, doesn't mean that we should ignore his psychological needs. I hope to work with hospice but things always don't turn out the way we want it to be in life, so if all things fail, I have a backup plan. The military.

Look, I love Singapore okay? I know some think that it sucks being in Singapore because it's a Pay And Pay country, but I feel secure here. If I had a choice, I would get my psychology degree in NUS and work in Singapore. I want to stay here forever. Of course, I don't mind going out of sg to work for a few months and stuff, but to give up my citizenship as a Singaporean isn't something that I will do. I love how I have minimal worries on getting killed when I come home at 3 am, I love how the education here is world recognized, I love how we seldom need to worry about lack of food supply, our streets are clean, our transport systems are quite efficient, I love my kopi-o-siew dai, teh-c, diao-he and so on... Of course, there are lots to complain about this country, but I still love it the way it is. And if I can't fulfill my degree in psychology when I grow up, I will gladly join SAF to serve the country. "What's there to fight for?" You may ask. "It's not like anyone is gonna start a war with Sg!" Our country is pretty rich and successful, so you never know if anyone out there is a little jealous at us. Plus, no one owes Singapore a living. If we don't take full responsibility to protect ourselves, no one would.

Anyway, being in the military has been one of my childhood dreams. So I really don't mind actually! Hahaha!

Imperfect boy

Within that night, everything seemed to have fallen into place for the both of them. She liked him and he liked her. They knew. It was like a silent agreement they made. That was how it started. He thought she was the perfect girl. Nothing else seemed to matter as long as he could spend him time with her... An hour would be good. A day would be better. A week would be awesome. A lifetime would be perfect.

To him, she is flawless.

He felt like the luckiest person on Earth. To him, he is full of imperfections. No amount of convincing could change his mind. He craves and seeks for attention, in fear that once she turns her back on him, she would walk away. And walked away she did, leaving the anxious, imperfect, and attention craving boy behind.

The boy was hopeless. There used to be a war between his imperfect self and his reassuring girlfriend. But now that reassuring girlfriend is gone, he is hopeless. Trapped in his own body, day by day, trying to fight the thoughts that eat him alive but they didn't even budge. "You will never find someone like her." "Nobody would fall for you." "You lost her, IT'S YOUR FAULT. All your fault" "If only you were less attention seeking, more mature, etc. you wouldn't have lost her."

"Maybe they will be gone after some sleep." - A day...

"The thoughts should fade away, right?" - A week...

"I hate her. I hate her. I hate her." - A month...

"If only I was different back then..." - A year...

No, the thoughts still won't go away.

Imperfect boy still craves attention. He never moved on. He still believes that if he could turn back time, he could make things better. But that was, obviously, impossible. Imperfect boy also believed that if he could date a girl like her and treat her well, he could forgive himself and forget the past.

Imperfect boy was angry at himself. Angry at how immature he was, angry at how attention seeking he was, angry at all the wrong things he focused on. He didn't really cared about the girl at all! All he cared about was how this perfect girl 'belonged' to him and how she could fill in the holes of his heart.

He didn't bother to fill in the holes of perfect girl's heart.

Heck! He didn't even know perfect girl had holes in her heart!

Perfect girl never got back with him, she gotten over him. Perfect girl number 2 never showed up. He tired many different relationships with imperfect girls and none of them worked out. They just made him feel more and more pathetic.

Imperfect boy was constantly unhappy but he didn't want to be. It's been 3 years since the break up, and he is still not letting go of his past, not forgiving himself. Perfect girl still seems so perfect to him but he is feeling very tired and unfulfilled. He is tired of feeling the way he feels. He wants to break free.

After 3 years of anger and hatred towards himself since the break up, he finally decided to forgive himself. He tries to break contact with all the imperfect girls and try standing on his own two feet. He struggles at first, but he realised that it isn't that hard to believe in himself. He battles his thoughts on his own, reassuring himself that he is capable and perfect in his own way. He fought. It was hard. He falls back into the hands of imperfect girls and they hurt him again and again. But the hurt doesn't make him feel pathetic anymore, it makes him feel stronger. The hurt reminds him of the purpose of battling his thoughts, it's a constant fight, but he won. At least for now.

A few years later, he ran into perfect girl (his ex) and decided to have coffee with her. It was a casual chat, his heart wasn't racing and it wasn't awkward at all. He was happy with how it turned out. When he reached home that day, he recalled how his ex was like that afternoon. The girl he once deemed perfect wasn't that perfect after all. But this wasn't one of the best discoveries just yet.

The best thing was...

Whatever perfect girl said to reassure imperfect guy was true at that point of time. Imperfect boy was just too blind to see that he was, too, perfect.

That's what we did.

The easiest way out is to blame the world and say, "That's just the way it is!".

The way the poor and the rich can never click because they live in different worlds.

The way religion promotes peace and harmony yet it is the main cause of war.

The way the Earth is burning up but some still refuse to lift a finger.

The way the some parts of the world is stuffing itself so full, it longs to be skinny.... yet, ironically, at another part of the world, people are starving to death.

The way some always have the right to speak but others either go unheard or are forced to keep mum.

The way we are stealing homes from the animals and that seems very legal.

The way the numbers on the weighing scale seems to measure beauty.

I'm not particularly emo right now, I am just typing this post because I feel that many things that happen in the human world don't make sense.

But... That's just the way it is.

Sleep

As the sunlight shown brightly into my bedroom despite my closed curtains, I knew it was way pass 8am. Maybe even 9. I dragged myself to the side of my bed to take a look at the time. 9.30am. Tiredness convinced me to rest my eyes for another minute.

Maybe it was the long walk home from Serangoon last night that caused me to feel so lethargic. Usually I would feel wide awake by 9am no matter what time I sleep. I remembered how my mom used to watch TV until 2am and I wouldn't be able to sleep till then as I am very sensitive to light. But this morning, the sun seemed to have no effect on me. I opened my eyes. 10am.

Fortunately, my activities planned for the day didn't need me to wear anything fancy. I wore a dark blue dry-fit tee and a pair of black basketball shorts and headed downstairs to fill up my bottle. I was hoping I could get a lift from my mom but she wasn't at home. I fed my pets in a hurry and left.

The sky looked cloudy, perfect weather for a day at the park if it doesn't rain. I read Hunger Games as I waited for the bus. The book gets more and more interesting after the halfway mark. I am in awe of what words in a book could make you imagine and the places they'd take you. I struggled to get on the bus, book and wallet on one hand and roller-blades on the other.

I am meeting my friends, Shaw and Weijian, at Bishan to go to the gym together. Then after that, we were planning to head to the park to roller-blade, or cycle, or fly-kite (depending on our areas of interest). Guangyi and Zixing was planning to tag along as well but soon, the weathers twisted our plans. It started to drizzle. Shaw and I were too tired from yesterday's walk to head to the gym and the weather doesn't seem promising for roller-blading. We decided to cancel all plans and head to my house.

Nothing much happened from there. I read Hunger Games with Shaw and we discussed a little about the book. The day was uneventful but somehow fulfilling for me as I have practiced the piano and finished the first book of Hunger Games.

All I can say is, Hunger Games is really amazing and addictive.

It keeps you lingering in their fantasy world of capitol, the districts, and the Mockingjays.

It's saddens me that Mockingjays don't really exist.

Maybe they do, maybe they are called parrots.

Lol.

Tonight, I need sleep.

Successfully Escaped!

I can't help but burst out laughing before writing this post. My own carelessness has made me a fool. Anyway, to keep it short and simple, the awkwardness of asking "Who are you?" when you don't recognize someone could last a minute or two, but the embarrassment of faking and assuming that you know the person could last for days and months!!!

But lucky for me, I laugh it off. It's not as embarrassing as it could be thanks to my friends.

Oh and I drank a lot lately...

I probably wasn't sober from Tuesday to Thursday.

So I wanna thank my friends for taking care of me!

Too bored.

When our needs are fed by our government, we get kinda bored and find other stuff to do.

I hate civilization sometimes.

It's convenient, but we kind of lost our initial reason to live...

"To stay alive."

And I think people back then treasured life more than we now do.

Just thoughts.

Sometimes I find myself hating you for what you did. I am trying to forget it and I think it's been going pretty well. Everything is going according to plan. I know this was what I wanted but now I'm not sure if I really want it to happen. Your posts still make my heart race. I find myself scrolling back to read them every time I spot them. I used to desperately try and look for any trace of sadness or signs of you feeling the same as I do. But there's none. And now, I am just looking at them to see if you are doing well.

I guess you don't know what you did but you made me feel like a toy. You made me feel as if you were deliberately making me fall for you. You never get freaked out, you never backed away when I did the 'wrong' things, in fact you kept coming back. Do you have any idea how sick it is for me to battle myself in my own thoughts, trying to convince myself that your actions actually contradict your thoughts and you don't mean the things you do or say? You don't mean you love me. You don't mean you want a relationship with me. You just want a friend. I know that. But it seems that every time I am with you, I forget that.

I am ranting here because I am pretty sure you won't read this and honestly, even if you do, I don't care. I have felt too many wrong emotions. Emotions that I shouldn't even go through and they leave me in constant confusion. Maybe if I told you that I liked you when I first met you, all these wouldn't happen. Maybe if I got rejected harshly back then I would waste less time on you. But I am glad I made the decision I made. I know it's not too late. Forgive me if I'm not there for you anymore, I need to be there for myself.

Maybe this is karma for me. Maybe one day you will understand how I feel when someone gives you the wrong signal and takes you for a spin.

I'm not going to waste my time on you anymore.

Mindset

Previously, I wrote a post about how cluttered my life is.. It was a period where everything that I do wasn't going well and I felt quite negative about the things around me so I decided to find out what's going on.

Although I'm pretty packed with things (e.g. Taekwondo, school, projects outside of my course, music, etc) I didn't want to give any of it up. So I decided that I better get my priorities right (an advice by one of my sec sch teachers that I didn't pay much attention to back then). I decided that school mattered most to me and since I was very busy with exams and presentations, other things outside of school shouldn't matter so much.

So I left it at that and went for my taekwondo class. Unprepared, I was made to lead class and I reminded myself that whether I screw up or not, it doesn't matter... But of course, I will do my best. And surprisingly, I did an awesome job. I didn't screw up! I was natural and relaxed the entire time! I was really amazed because usually when I am made to lead class, I immediately break into cold sweat and I will have a heart attack.

I guess it's the "As long as its my best, I'm happy." mindset that helped me. And it shouldn't surprise me that much because in psychology, I learnt that higher arousal = lower performance. This means that the more stress you give yourself, the lower your rate of success. Noticed that I used 'give yourself' when referring to stress. The amount of stress you feel can usually be controlled! And that's where the power of mindset comes in.

I think the main reason why I've been screwing up on everything that matters to me is because of my mindset. I feel that it matters a lot, so I give myself high stress which sadly produces bad results.

I guess there are people that work well under high stress, and maybe I do too last time, but now it's time for a change. I need to be more relaxed.

The beauty about life is that it's ever changing... One day I will come back here and write about how being relaxed has caused me to overlook things.

Life is all about balance and we must learn how to keep balance. Just like tuning a guitar string, if you tune it too tightly, it will snap and there would be no music... Tune it too loose and it will unwind and there would be no music... Tune it just right and it will play the notes you want and there will be music!

You can use the same analogy on cooking, parenting, colours, temperature, etc. because life is all about balance. And we can keep balance in our lives with the right mindset.

I'm Not A Thinker.

I think, I think. Lol, get it?

I thought that I was a thinker. Someone that gave much thought about life's experiences. Someone that knew what was going on even when people in the situation don't. But though these few days, I realised that I'm not that much of a thinker.

I'm not saying that I don't think at all, I'm just saying that I don't understand everything that happens like I think I do. I screw up too. And I should forgive myself for that.

These two weeks has been a struggle for me as I battle my own thoughts. I wouldn't know what to do if it wasn't for the people around me that gave me different points of views.

In the wise words of Albert Einstein, "You can never solver a problem on the same level which it was created." I'm sure he was referring to something about physics, but what he said applies to real life as well. And sometimes, the only way to go on to a different level is with the help of someone else. When someone shares their point of view of your situation, it's like an eye-opener. You get that "ah ha!" moment which you can never get if you kept the problem to yourself. I don't know about you, but I always get these "ah ha!" moments when I share my problems, which is why I feel that I am not that much of a thinker after all.

Now don't get pressurized, when I share with you my problems, I am not expecting great advice. Just the feeling of someone else understanding my struggle actually helps me relax a little. As long as someone I trust is willing to listen, I am happy.

I am grateful to have such friends.

Me to me.

If you think everything is so fucked up, then it is.

The opposite works too.

The only reason as to why a person would threaten to die so many times is because they feel more loved when they're dying.

You know what I mean.

Suddenly everyone is a big fan of Whitney Houston.

Time for Change

My life is like a cluttered drain.

Too many commitments, too many promises, and now, I'm stuck in this sad state. Probably many are disappointed at me and some, angry. But I think the person that is the most disappointed with me now is myself.

I thought I knew what I was doing, I thought I can handle it all... I thought I could be superman. But evidently, I am not. I am nothing but a yes-man. A promise breaker.

But trust me, I tried my best.

I will let fate decide on what remains in my life. But for now, I want some peace. I want time to myself. I never understand people who wanted time to themselves, but now I do.

I can't keep on living like this.

I need to change.

Apple

I don't believe in 'Love'

Why bother looking for love when the only thing you are after is the chase?

You know what I mean. That feeling when say you've lost the love for someone? It's not love, it's just the feeling of 'the chase' and the excitement of it all. You lost the feeling of excitement and now you are totally comfortable with your partner. When you see them, your heart doesn't pump fast anymore. When you go on dates with them you can meet them in your pajamas without being afraid of judgement. And when you reach that level of intimacy, you need not do much to please them anymore because the chase is over and their 'yours' now.

And at this point, you feel like breaking up because you have suddenly realized that you don't feel as much love for that person anymore. But in actual fact, there's little love to speak of in the first place! You are breaking up because there is nothing left to do anymore, no more excitement, no more chase... To simply put it, you are BORED.

What is love to you? A lustful adrenalin rush?

To love is to commit.

At least that's my definition.

So if you are breaking up with someone for the same reason, you might want to think again. Why are you falling in love in the first place?

Now I finally understand why lovers can never love you more than your parents do (well at least for most people).

Words can't describe my thoughts.

Prestige

I was going to type this blog post yesterday but I didn't have time. I didn't know how a day could make such a big difference. It changed my entire view for this post.

Prestige is a kind of reputation arising from success. It's like a high rank. It gives a kind of power that commands respect. Prestige is a good thing. Everyone wants to be prestigious. They want it so much, they fight for it.

Being prestigious makes you special, it makes you a rank above the rest... Or at least most people view it that way. But what if you depend your identity on a prestigious role be it a scholarship, or a status in your career? Chances are, you'll mess up.

Prestige is a positive attribute. It's much easier to label yourself with positive attributes than negative ones because positive attributes make you feel good about yourself. I think that's the main reason why people tend to get too crazy about their prestigious positions. They are so attached to their prestigious positions that when they lose that position, they lose themselves.

It's no wonder why they protect their position with their life. Often stepping on others just so that they could get to the top of the totem pole. It sounds barbaric, but if one person starts behaving like this, everyone would too. No one wants to be at the bottom of the totem pole.

And the scary thing isn't the vicious cycle of prestige...

It is how easy you can lose yourself in the fight for it.

I have no solutions for this because I am stuck in the process of losing myself too. But maybe one day, I will comeback with answers and type a wiser post on this.

For those who are facing unpleasant change..

Give up the life you planned for the life that's waiting for you.

The Things Silence Can Mean

1. Love

2. Hate

3. Anger

4. Sorrow

5. Awkwardness

6. Unfamiliarity

7. Familiarity (The silence of a 90 year old couple)

8. Peace

9. Avoidance

10. Fear

11. In-thought

12. Satisfaction

13. Anticipation

14. Tension

15. Blank

16. Tiredness

17. Unwell

18. Bliss

19. Death

20. Discipline

21. Etc.

Silence holds some kind of magic...

We can feel emotions without saying anything...

And so, through silence, messages are passed.

Silence isn't very silent after all.

Don't run away.

It's been awhile since my last blog post. there are many things I wanted to post but I didn't in the end, so I forgot. Sigh, I think I might want to start posting everyday. Anyways, this is one of the things I wanted to share with you. It's a Youtuber called FartWithHeadPhonesOn and in some of her videos, she gives pretty good advice on how to cope with life.

In this particular video, she talks about embarrassing moments and how to cope with them.

Honestly, I have a lot of embarrassing moments. Some still continues to bother me until today! Believe it or not, these embarrassing memories can really spoil your confidence and affect the way you think about yourself. So keeping these embarrassing memories won't do good for yourself!! In her video, she mentioned the following steps that will help you let go of your embarrassing memories whenever it pops up:

1. Observe how you feel.

2. Smile.

3. Forgive yourself.

I think it's important to not push away our thoughts. In one of my psychology class, I learn that the more we try not to think about something, the more we think about it and I feel that it is true! And it doesn't only apply to embarrassing moments! For example, I have been trying to quit drinking and after so many attempts, I find that my recent attempt is the most successful one. Instead of telling myself to not think about drinking, I think about it and become aware of how I feel and notice the difference between how I feel and how I want to feel.

Becoming aware of yourself is magical. When you become aware of yourself, you are able to solve your problem more successfully. It's why some people like to tell others about their problems. As they talk about the things that happen, they become aware of the situation and they get things classified in their heads. They are thinking! And they'll most likely feel better after that. Well, depends on who you're speaking to... Lol.

So yeah, face your problems! Try to understand your own situation from a 3rd person view point! And if the problem is within, solve it within. Don't buy a bunch of potato chips and snack on them. It won't change anything!

And MOST IMPORTANTLY..

Stay positive.

I know it's hard sometimes but complaining brings negativity into a situation. Even if you do it just for the sake of doing it (I know people who say things like, "Fuck my life." or "fml" and other stuff even though they don't really mean it) our brains respond to words even though we don't mean it! It even responds to words we don't see or hear consciously!! It's called subliminal messaging.

And it will only make you sadder.

So it's your choice!

I wanna be happy. :)

OH AND, if you like this video, I recommend you to watch this one too!! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YhK3l-3GkAc&feature=related

2012 RESOLUTIONS!!!

Every time I think of a new year, I think about a new beginning, a new start. I used to think that once the clock struck 12am on new year's eve, everything about last year would be erased but I was wrong. Life is a continuum, so whatever that was done in the past is done. Last year might be the best year of your life or it might be the worst, recognize how you feel about your previous year and set new resolutions to make it better. And always remember: "You can never solve a problem on the level which it was created" - Albert Einstein. In other words, the same actions will always lead to the same results. You can't solve a problem with the same actions that created it. So here are my new year resolutions and how I plan to archive them.

1. Talk less and listen more.

By this, I don't mean that I should just shut up and close all my ideas to myself, I just want to understand and think more before I speak. Last year, something in my drama class struck me. it was a poem about how people in well-developed countries are becoming more and more greedy, over populating, over consuming, and they all want to be heard but not to listen. The poem described this as "creating a clashing symphony of grunts and hisses that can even be heard in the dead of night." And I really think that not listening, not observing, and not caring is why we have so many misunderstandings, misjudgments, wrong assumptions etc. And as much as I don't want to be misjudged, misunderstood, and wrongly assumed, I shall do the same for others.

2. Playing the 'No game'.

In a book called The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens, I've learn that people's actions can lead to 4 kinds of consequences:

- You lose, I win.

- You win, I lose.

- You lose, I lose.

- You win, I win.

And in the book they told us that the best way to do anything is to find a win-win solution. But sometimes it's hard to archive that, so I decided to learn to play the no game! This means that I would have to learn how to identify if a situation isn't win-win before I start 'playing'. If I realized that this game is not a win-win, I would stand aside and not participate in that dirty game. Of course, I can always try to make it a win-win, but my experiences with my mom has told be that, that's much harder than I think! So, sometimes no game is the right game.

3. Time-management.

It's time to remind myself, you can't solve a problem with the same mind that created it. I have been struggling with this one for very long now. And this year, I am determined to overcome this one. I need to start writing stuff down.

4. Be able to do the human flag.

This is a human flag:

And that takes a lot of strength to do. So, by going through the training to be able to do this one, I will be able to archive a healthier me and an awesome pose! Lol, this is just for fun.

5. Let my music out.

I think if there was a recording studio in my heart, an abulm of songs would have been written. But there's none, so it's time to let my music out like how Girls Generation bring the boys out. LOL. Okay, that was cold.

So yeah, those are my resolutions! Hope that 2012 is a successful year!!