Imperfect boy

Within that night, everything seemed to have fallen into place for the both of them. She liked him and he liked her. They knew. It was like a silent agreement they made. That was how it started. He thought she was the perfect girl. Nothing else seemed to matter as long as he could spend him time with her... An hour would be good. A day would be better. A week would be awesome. A lifetime would be perfect.

To him, she is flawless.

He felt like the luckiest person on Earth. To him, he is full of imperfections. No amount of convincing could change his mind. He craves and seeks for attention, in fear that once she turns her back on him, she would walk away. And walked away she did, leaving the anxious, imperfect, and attention craving boy behind.

The boy was hopeless. There used to be a war between his imperfect self and his reassuring girlfriend. But now that reassuring girlfriend is gone, he is hopeless. Trapped in his own body, day by day, trying to fight the thoughts that eat him alive but they didn't even budge. "You will never find someone like her." "Nobody would fall for you." "You lost her, IT'S YOUR FAULT. All your fault" "If only you were less attention seeking, more mature, etc. you wouldn't have lost her."

"Maybe they will be gone after some sleep." - A day...

"The thoughts should fade away, right?" - A week...

"I hate her. I hate her. I hate her." - A month...

"If only I was different back then..." - A year...

No, the thoughts still won't go away.

Imperfect boy still craves attention. He never moved on. He still believes that if he could turn back time, he could make things better. But that was, obviously, impossible. Imperfect boy also believed that if he could date a girl like her and treat her well, he could forgive himself and forget the past.

Imperfect boy was angry at himself. Angry at how immature he was, angry at how attention seeking he was, angry at all the wrong things he focused on. He didn't really cared about the girl at all! All he cared about was how this perfect girl 'belonged' to him and how she could fill in the holes of his heart.

He didn't bother to fill in the holes of perfect girl's heart.

Heck! He didn't even know perfect girl had holes in her heart!

Perfect girl never got back with him, she gotten over him. Perfect girl number 2 never showed up. He tired many different relationships with imperfect girls and none of them worked out. They just made him feel more and more pathetic.

Imperfect boy was constantly unhappy but he didn't want to be. It's been 3 years since the break up, and he is still not letting go of his past, not forgiving himself. Perfect girl still seems so perfect to him but he is feeling very tired and unfulfilled. He is tired of feeling the way he feels. He wants to break free.

After 3 years of anger and hatred towards himself since the break up, he finally decided to forgive himself. He tries to break contact with all the imperfect girls and try standing on his own two feet. He struggles at first, but he realised that it isn't that hard to believe in himself. He battles his thoughts on his own, reassuring himself that he is capable and perfect in his own way. He fought. It was hard. He falls back into the hands of imperfect girls and they hurt him again and again. But the hurt doesn't make him feel pathetic anymore, it makes him feel stronger. The hurt reminds him of the purpose of battling his thoughts, it's a constant fight, but he won. At least for now.

A few years later, he ran into perfect girl (his ex) and decided to have coffee with her. It was a casual chat, his heart wasn't racing and it wasn't awkward at all. He was happy with how it turned out. When he reached home that day, he recalled how his ex was like that afternoon. The girl he once deemed perfect wasn't that perfect after all. But this wasn't one of the best discoveries just yet.

The best thing was...

Whatever perfect girl said to reassure imperfect guy was true at that point of time. Imperfect boy was just too blind to see that he was, too, perfect.