My mistake? I never let go.
A little more than 2 years ago, I broke up with someone whom I planned my life around. When she left, it felt like I have no more future. It felt as if every had gone along with her. I recovered slowly and formed a new future, one which is for myself.
And I am happy for that.
About less than a month later, I got a new girlfriend. Okay, actually a few. It didn't last. I was just 'slutting' around hoping that someone else could heal the wound she had made in my heart. But little did I know that the only person who can heal it is myself. So, I stopped dating and tried being single.
And I never regretted that.
But even after that, I would still have dreams about her. And in those dreams, she would either be asking me if we could get back together or we already were back together. Slowly, I've learnt to reject her in my dreams.
And that made me stronger.
It was a painful process. I would still think about her and cry one random nights. I couldn't wait to get into another relationship. I was trying to fill that hole in my heart once again. No one wants this kind of pain. I just didn't know how to stop it from coming back. I believed that if I went back in time, I could change things. And although I spent countless amounts of time persuading myself that it wasn't that perfect anyway and I am glad that it's over, a part of me is afraid that that will be the best thing that have ever happened to be and nothing better will ever come.
And that made me impatient.
I think there are many people around me that are desperate for love. They want a relationship. They want someone who they can call theirs. I guess it's human nature to want love and attention but the waiting process sucks but I know that love is a magical thing and the only way it will happen is through fate. There is no way we can cut the wait! You will just waste your time dating a few million people and still not get 'The One'.
And that made me realize.
After my taekwondo class, I was changing in the toilet with my friends. My senior was talking about his ex-girlfriend to another senior outside (it was still in hearing range) then my master suddenly budged in and said something that, in my opinion, hit me harder than it hit my senior. He said, "It's EX-girlfriend already not girlfriend anymore! Past tense already! Why are you wasting your time and emotion on her?"
And through that, I was enlightened.
A series of things happened after that incident. These things happened as if they were planned by some God above. First, I decided that I wanted to repent for my spiritual well-being. I really have a lot to repent on and that includes drinking. Secondly, I had a chat with my friend, Shawleong and I told him that I really admired his not-ready-for-a-relationship attitude and he told me a lot (which I won't say here cuz that would invade his privacy). I also had a chat with a few other friends of mine which had the same view. Thirdly, okay this may sound stupid, but I watched Spy Kids (WARNING, SPOILER AHEAD) and the villain in it was called The Time Keeper and to cut the story short, he wanted to go back in time to be with his dad cuz he regretted not spending enough time with him. But to do that he must stop the time of the world (thus causing the end of time = the end of the world). He succeeded and went back to see his dad but went he came back to the present (as an old dying man), and he told the spy kids, ".....you were right, nothing did change. My dad still died. I still haven't spent enough time with him. Live in the present and not the past because you can't change the past."
Now, my mind is clearer than before but I think I still have a long way to having the right thoughts. Well.. at least I am sure of what I don't want for now.
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