Perfection.

Everything happens for a reason. If it wasn't because of the things that happened in the past, you wouldn't be at this state today. Whether your current state is good or bad, you are in it for a reason too.

Since everything happens for a reason, you happened for a reason too. You have a role and purpose on this Earth and that is to be YOU. Everyone on this Earth is different and unique in their own ways. Some are fat some are skinny, some and generous and some are stingy. You are you for a reason and it's okay to be different.

Some rip themselves apart so that they will fit the description of what's beautiful according to society. Example? Plastic surgery. Not that I am against it; I will happily befriend anyone with a good personality with or without plastic surgery. It's just that I am really distrubed at the fact that many people in this era go through some kind of ordeal that made them believe that the way they were naturally made to be is not good enough. I recently heard from a friend that although there are many Singtel Grid Girls that are very pretty looking during the F1 event this year, the one who won was plastic. I think it is through events like these that made girls (or sometimes even guys) believe that they are not good enough naturally.

It is really ridiculous to me because there are so many people trying so hard to look like a photoshopped model on a front page magazine that it feels like we are trying to change the entire railroad just because of one track! And surprisingly, this idea sells!

I think beauty has a wider range of definition than we think. In fact, beauty is indefinite because everything has a beautiful side to it! And beauty obviously doesn't stop at physical appearance.

Actions and words buy people's hearts faster than are physical feature would!

And models don't actually have to be all that skinny and inhumanly to be in the fashion industry! I think inhumanly models are used as bait in the fashion industry to lure people to buy products promising that they will become inhumanly beautiful after consuming some pills or injecting some silicon (which is what phone covers are made of) or applying some cream when in actual fact, the inhumanly models are made by computer! They are creating a whole new industry that has NEVER EXISTED when rounder and shorter people in society were accepted as beautiful in their own way.

Everyone is made different. Variety is beautiful and so is originally. Walking around with phone covers in your face and chest may seem impressive, but I think accepting and being confident about who your are is even more impressive.

Stay strong, you are perfect the way you are.

I Belong To The Night

The times you spent with me were short but you showed me a whole new dimension.

I have never experienced anything like this in my whole entire life and I think you are far beyond amazing. You didn't show me light in the darkness, you helped me embrace it.You allowed me to step into your realm where the night and darkness wasn't scary, rather, it was home.

When you were gone, I went back to live a life of my own. I went back to light. Light welcomed me with open arms and I continued my life as it were before you came. But I have to admit that kinda miss the magic of the night. The place where possibilities are limitless.

I want to fly into the night once again.

Never had I felt so much freedom in my life.

I miss the darkness. I miss everything that you showed me. They are the reason for my black closet. I want to bring black all around with me so that I wouldn't forget you and them. No, I am not in love with you. I am in love with the experience I had with you and I wonder if you felt the same way too.

Maybe it's an everyday thing to you.

Lovers.

When we looked into each other's eyes we could sometimes see the thoughts of each other. We giggle in not-funny situations and end up getting weird stares because no one else gets our joke. We talk about anything under the sky together and when we have nothing to say, we just enjoy each other's company with a cup of tea.

The way you cared, the way you tried to warn me from doing what is wrong, the way you ask me for opinions and I ask you for yours. Our relationship may seem normal but to me it is 100% magical.

The way we help each other through thick and thin, they way you back me up just when I thought no one would be there for me.. The way you hugged me just when I needed it. Because of you, I never feel alone.

You must be an angel sent from above because phone calls and messages from you makes me smile. Well... Just thank god it isn't another annoying advertisement!

You are the greatest lover I have ever met

A lover that I will have no regrets

The greatest gift anyone can ever get

And I must be the luckiest person on Earth cuz I have...

True friends.

I Want A Travel-On-Foot Day

I find myself very separated from the world sometimes.

We all live life at a fast pace. Ever since the wheel was invented more than 5,000 years ago humans have been trying to invent ways to travel faster an faster. Plus, with our noise cancelling earphones plugged in and the ease of access to virtual interactions like Facebook and SMS, it's no wonder we don't realise the many beautiful things that pass us by in life. Many of us have come to the point of being so closed up that, if given the choice and technology, would prefer to teleport from one place to the other and skip all the traveling in the middle.

I think modern day technology has made traveling less time consuming but at the same time, less interesting. Yes, of course traveling 70-100 km/hr underground on the North-East line of the MRT might seem to get you there fast but it is also incredibly boring. I feel like I am trapped underground! I guess it's a good time to reflect on your day while trying to maintain your balance on the train, but I still prefer to ride a bike or go on foot if given the time and energy to do so! And for the record, I think bus rides are more interesting than underground train rides.

It's is disheartening to see many people live life like an office worker eating a rushed lunch. We just want to get it over and done with! I am guilty of that too. So, I wanna have day where I live life slowly. I want to spend a day of the week traveling on foot and that will also help me familiarize with the roads of Singapore and give me stronger legs.

P.S. I finally synchronized my blog's time with the Singapore time. Lol.

You Are Powerful.

When you are in a room with 2 violins and you start playing with one violin, the other violin would sound too. This simple effect of an echo shows us one thing:

You can affect someone else by playing your own strings.

Too often, we fail to see the impact of the things we do. But in actual fact, a very simple smile can brighten a stranger's day. Did you know that it is very difficult to frown for a long time at someone who is smiling?

And

I don't know about you but I feel more compelled to donate to street musicians when my friend or the person in front of me donates. Because of that, chances are, I have made others feel more compelled to donate too. Of course, there is the occasional negative person who thinks that he shouldn't donate 'cause others are already donating, but negative people are always around and the only thing we can do to reduce the amount of negativity is by spreading positivity around us.

And

Recently, I also realised that there are somethings that we cannot change but we can always make it better by changing ourselves. I know the pain of a wrong relationship but I still have to watch my friends get into obviously wrong relationships and some times it troubles me. I often ask myself, "Why am I not helping?" but I know, if I told them, they probably won't believe me and I might even lose a friend in the process of telling. So I told myself, "I know I can't stop them from jumping off a bridge, but I can always be there to catch them when they fall."

Changing yourself is changing the world.

It may sound ridiculous but it is true.

After all, you are a part of the world and every impact you make will spread like wildfire.

You are powerful because you can sound the music in others simply by playing on your own strings. We are more than violins, we are full-bodied music because we have a heart. A heart that beats like drums. So speak words from your heart, do things from your heart because these are the loudest actions that will sound into the hearts of others.

You can make a change.

Sometimes we go through autumn

"Autumn is the hardest season for a tree because their leaves are all falling like they're falling in love with the ground, leaving them naked and lonely. I keep trying to tell the trees, "Don't worry! New leaves will come around in the spring!" But you can't tell a tree those things... Because trees are like me, they just stand there and don't listen."

Some tough seasons are longer than storms. During Autumn the leaves fall from the trees, leaving the trees with only a few leaves and just when the trees thought it couldn't get worse, winter comes and they are stripped bare of leaves and left in the cold dry air for another 3 months. We, too, experience similar things. Some times when we thought things were bad enough and that they couldn't get any worse, something even worse happens and we feel like we have lost all hope.

Unlike how rainbows do not always appear after storms, spring has never failed to come after winter and that's like a promise from the universe that things can turn out better no matter how crappy your current situation can be.

So cheer up.

Keep calm and carry on.

Good things come to those who wait and persevere.

"Hey, are you a Dyke or a Faggot?"

This post is about a poet that writes poems close to my heart. I have never really introduced her 'cause I was thinking that no one would be interested in poetry especially when it's American because I can understand that some people have difficulties understanding American accent. However, I hope you do try to understand what she say 'cause every time I listen to her, it leaves me in awe. I will literally have my jaw dropped and by the end of my poem I'll be smiling.

Her accent is understandable to me but she speaks really fast. Even I need to refer to the actual poem to understand what she say sometimes. So I will post the poem below the video for you guys to refer to.. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

It was the type of quiet that twitched like fire,

Naplam silence
It was the tick, tick, tick before the bomb,
but without the bomb or the tick will they looked me over

they're parental lenses five feet thick

Protection from the glare of the mutated form that was once their

Sweet, Little, Daughter.

They wore their smiles like condoms
I curled myself into the least viral form I could think of,
held back a cough, and asked for a glass of water
Silence here, but in their eyes:

"This ain't no Jerusalem girl, ain't no messiah here gonna go feeding no leper."

Silence.

"You're 25 years old, where the fuck's your diamond ring? "

Silence.

"Ain't no wonder they all look at you.

Wash your hair,

take that metal shit out of your face,

you dress like you live in the streets for fuck's sake and

Why the hell are you sittin' like you got a cock between your legs?"

Silence.

"Ain't no wonder you don't have a ring.

I'm aware not saying just any boy's gonna do
Don't you ever bring home

no spick,

no nigger,

no hippie,

no jew,

no long-haired faggot flipping his flaming little wrists,

I'll tie him to the fence myself."

Silence.

"Oh now look at you.

Acting like you're all scarred!

Like you've been doing some hard time seeing to get your mommy and daddy to call to bawl about some BITCH gone and broke your heart?"

Silence.

"You and your fucking heart.

I would have torn it apart myself years ago

Had I know you would use it to put this family through hell.

You got something to say to us?

You're just fucking bag it.

Do you have any idea what it's like

For us to walk through Walmart with the whole town knowing

Our daughter's a FAGGOT?"

"...you mean dyke."

"What?"

"You. Mean. DYKE.
And I've got, she's got, we've got

The 12 inch cock, harness, and ready to prove it.

Do you think I've got five minutes to waste

in the rates of your picket fence

right wing pedophile preacher finish-line?

I don't think so.

Your ignorance bores me,

and I wouldn't suck a dick,

a real one,

anymore then I'd take a ring from some prick

who thinks my clit sits a foot inside my body,

give me a break."

I'm gonna wait until this end of the sea.
Waterfall of woman's spilling over me

and her sexy self dancing in the poles of the lines

of my outstretched thighs

until our two bodies as one

beat down all you've done

or ever will do

with your righteous republican sanctity.

I don't believe in your goodness,

with your should that's and should this.

I'm so tired of even wasting my breath,

my ink on this shit.

I just wanna shut my mouth now and maybe

roll my words smooth and easy

over a perfect picture of beautiful,

because there's

so
much
beautiful.

But I can't touch you

when your ignorance keeps dismembering

every piece of patients I have left,

and I can't help but wake every morning

remembering a front page clipping of a boy

from Wyoming who had his face stained red

by the hands the of two products who tied him

and beat him and left him for dead

and when they found his body,

through all the blood

the only clear skin on his whole face you could see

were those lines on his cheeks

that his tears had washed clean.

And that might be crime you would never do

but those killers had teachers and preachers and neighbors like you,

so don't fuck with me.

I was your sweet little girl

when you were sweet to me,

so don't expect me to listen to

your version of right.

I've got ears of my own,

I spent years on my own.

You say one more thing I don't like,

you say one more THING I don't like,

I'm driving to Walmart myself hanging up a fifty foot billboard that says "Mark and Shirley's daughter Andrea is a FUCKING DYKE."

Love.

"Even after all this time

The sun never says to the earth,

'You owe Me.'

Look what happens with a love like that...

It lights up the Whole Sky."

If only we could all learn to love like that.

Grudges

I hold grudges.

As far as I have tried to forgive, I know I haven't been very successful in doing so. I would love to dance around with the person who has once inflicted pain on me and pretend that he didn't know what he was doing at that point of time but I am so sorry, I am not Jesus. As one of my favorite poet, Andrea Gibson, said:

"Jesus said “Forgive them father
for they do not know what they doing.”

Is that true?
Do we not know what we have done?"

When we bully/scold/insult someone. Do we not know that we are inflicting pain on that person?

I find it self-betraying to forgive some people because I know if I ever fall back into that rut that I was before they found value in me, they would happily join in and bury me alive. These people are nothing but social puppets that kiss the boots of the popular and kicks the ass of the degraded. It's sad that they fail to see that the degraded may one day turn into the popular because the wheel of fortune is ever-turning (you might be fortunate today but not tomorrow; so count your blessings). But anyways, hanging out with someone who 'clicks' with you is the most important thing. So what if you are in the popular gang or the unpopular gang?! No use being in the popular gang and not being able to 'click' with the people in it. You will most probably end up being some looser outcast of the group! Haha, I'm happy as long as I know that my friends are true.

I also find it very difficult to forgive some people that left a scar in my heart. I find it almost impossible to pretend that nothing has happened and look at the person the same way again. It's like a change of impression and only another impression can change this current impression.

Holding grudges is a tiring thing to do. It makes situations awkward and it causes negative thought and feelings. I think if I interact with these people more often and get to understand them further I will be able to forgive them but I don't know if I have the patience to do it or not.

Reflection: Leadership.

Before you read, this is really just a reflection post. It's not meant to be entertaining in any way.

I am the kind of person who gets really awkward when asked to lead in a situation. I am very afraid that the people under me will hate me for any possible reason and I certainly do not want to be a leader that doesn't listen. Therefore, I came to a conclusion that when ever I was made to lead, I would ask my members for opinion and let them lead. This approach of leadership is good when it comes to members that dare to speak up, but what if I come across a group of members who just stare at me blankly when I ask for opinions? That's my biggest fear because it would be very awkward.

Of course it is good to include the thoughts of others and ask for opinions whenever you lead, but asking your members inappropriate questions like, "Okay, what do we do next?" is kinda unprofessional. It makes you look as if you are not even sure of what to do as a leader! I think my biggest mistake in leadership is too much worrying and thus causing me to not be able to be firm in my decision. I am constantly paranoid that people are thinking negative thoughts about me and getting bored even if they really aren't. I failed to realise that the only source of reason as to why people will get bored is my belief that they will become bored.

I feel that the most important factor that I should improve on is confidence (and I thought I had enough of it). I need to know my role and what to do and be confident about my choices. I need to learn how to proceed on with initiative rather than sitting there waiting to be spoon fed with tasks.

With that, I hope I improve on my leadership skills. Can't wait for leap camp all of a sudden.

I'm flawed.

They say you blog the best when you have nothing to blog. So today I shall try it. This post may be a bit random.

Recently, I notice a few flaws in my appearance. My taekwondo master unintentionally gave me a size 3 belt and when tied, the ends of the belt (the two long parts that are supposed to dangle below like a moustach) were too short. They looked like butterfly wings stick out from my belt! It wasn't my master's fault, size 3 is supposed to be the correct lenght for my height. So I thus conclude that I'm fat and it's time to loose some weight. My belt is my ultimate motivation now. I don't know why but I developed this thought since I started taekwondo when I was a kid, "Long belts make people look like dragons even if they are not very good fighters are short belts make people look like harmless butterflies." So in my context, I currently look like a harmless butterfly. Lol.

Another flaw would be my face. I am getting more and more pimples and I don't know why! I think it's cuz 'the time of the month' is near. I have a bad habbit of popping pimples. My brain knows that it will leave a scar, but my brain also believes that if I do not pop my pimple, it will take a super long time to disappear and popping the pimple will release the pus allowing quicker healing. The truth is, popping pimples creates a wound that will be prone to further infection of the pimple, the pus may get into the blood steam and spread the infection around the face internally or spread around the skin affecting your face externally (I read from a book), and lastly, it causes scars. Although I know all these, it is still very temping to pop pimples. Lol. I need to control myself..

I am not sad about all these flaws. They give me a chance to change for the better. Anyway, they are all just minor external flaws. I am thankful that I am healthy.

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Why Are You Happy?

“Happiness for a reason is just another form of misery because the reason can be taken away from us at any time.” - Deepak Chopra

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Don't Let Fear Stop You

Procrastination, hesitation and avoidance are usually caused by fear. Fear creates borders that we do not dare to cross. Even something as simple as learning how to ride a bicycle can be stopped by fear.

Most of the time, fear exaggerates things negatively. It makes us enter a slippery-slope argument. An example of a slippery-slope argument would be:

"We must not give our child too much money as he would become spendthrift and not know the precious value of money. When he grows up, he is going to continue spending money this way and become bankrupt."

Another example,

"We should not slide down a slide backwards because it is dangerous to do so. When sliding down the slide backwards we do not know what is behind us. What if there are sharp objects? What if we slide out of the slide? If any of these things happen, we might break our backs and become paralyzed."

Notice that all the arguments tend to exaggerate the negative side of things. Yes, a child MIGHT become spendthrift and sliding down a slide backwards MAY be dangerous, but that doesn't mean that he/she will become bankrupt or break he/she back. When we fear or worry too much we will assume that a chain reaction of bad things will happen if we proceed on with the feared action.

Of course, some fear is good because it prevents us from hurting ourselves. I do not recommend you to go skydiving if you are uncomfortable with it. I am just saying that things are usually not as bad as we think it will be.

When problems or challenges arises, we should stop fearing and worrying about it and just do it. I think our main source of procrastination is through fear; fear that we are not able to excel in something or fear that we have too much to do and cannot complete it. I remember how I would do my POA homework first before I did others like my math homework because I am sure that I am able to complete it without getting stuck in the middle and not because I had any passion for POA. But if we take away this fear and plunge in, we would be able to do more.

Just remind yourself, things are usually not as bad as what you visualize it to be and fear is a self made emotion. So, we must not let fear control us but we control our fear.

PS: I slide down the slide backwards the other day and I survived.

CCA During Holiday Is Dumb

To be really direct, I don't like it when there is CCA during my holidays. I really like my CCA, but going back for CCA during the holidays, in my opinion, is even more boliao and pointless than going back for extra lessons! Why? Because extra lessons help improve your grades for exams and CCA generally do not have exams! Well, at least mine doesn't!

Sigh, this is dumb.

Sometimes I regret joining a CCA. I regret making such commitments. It's not even compulsory, why did I do it?

But I don't hate my CCA.

I just don't like the fact that while all of my friends are happy gathered together, watching a movie and going for dinner, I have to go for CCA. It's not my CCA's fault. I think all CCAs resume during the holidays.

But still I hate CCA during holidays.
I just wanna stay at home and slack or be with friends. Damnit.

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This is freaky.

I proclaim myself single and happy on the same day last year and I am back to square one this year. Maybe I am running around in circles. Maybe I need to move on further.

But through the wise advice of Davey Wavey,

"If you are not happy single, you won't be happy in a relationship."

This I know.

I've Never Written A Post So Honest.

Thank God for all the wise people in my life. They might be the same age as me or they might not even be human but they have taught me something. Most importantly they have taught enough to pull me out of the rut I have been living in for the past 2 years plus of my life.

My mistake? I never let go.

A little more than 2 years ago, I broke up with someone whom I planned my life around. When she left, it felt like I have no more future. It felt as if every had gone along with her. I recovered slowly and formed a new future, one which is for myself.

And I am happy for that.

About less than a month later, I got a new girlfriend. Okay, actually a few. It didn't last. I was just 'slutting' around hoping that someone else could heal the wound she had made in my heart. But little did I know that the only person who can heal it is myself. So, I stopped dating and tried being single.

And I never regretted that.

But even after that, I would still have dreams about her. And in those dreams, she would either be asking me if we could get back together or we already were back together. Slowly, I've learnt to reject her in my dreams.

And that made me stronger.

It was a painful process. I would still think about her and cry one random nights. I couldn't wait to get into another relationship. I was trying to fill that hole in my heart once again. No one wants this kind of pain. I just didn't know how to stop it from coming back. I believed that if I went back in time, I could change things. And although I spent countless amounts of time persuading myself that it wasn't that perfect anyway and I am glad that it's over, a part of me is afraid that that will be the best thing that have ever happened to be and nothing better will ever come.

And that made me impatient.

I think there are many people around me that are desperate for love. They want a relationship. They want someone who they can call theirs. I guess it's human nature to want love and attention but the waiting process sucks but I know that love is a magical thing and the only way it will happen is through fate. There is no way we can cut the wait! You will just waste your time dating a few million people and still not get 'The One'.

And that made me realize.

After my taekwondo class, I was changing in the toilet with my friends. My senior was talking about his ex-girlfriend to another senior outside (it was still in hearing range) then my master suddenly budged in and said something that, in my opinion, hit me harder than it hit my senior. He said, "It's EX-girlfriend already not girlfriend anymore! Past tense already! Why are you wasting your time and emotion on her?"

And through that, I was enlightened.

A series of things happened after that incident. These things happened as if they were planned by some God above. First, I decided that I wanted to repent for my spiritual well-being. I really have a lot to repent on and that includes drinking. Secondly, I had a chat with my friend, Shawleong and I told him that I really admired his not-ready-for-a-relationship attitude and he told me a lot (which I won't say here cuz that would invade his privacy). I also had a chat with a few other friends of mine which had the same view. Thirdly, okay this may sound stupid, but I watched Spy Kids (WARNING, SPOILER AHEAD) and the villain in it was called The Time Keeper and to cut the story short, he wanted to go back in time to be with his dad cuz he regretted not spending enough time with him. But to do that he must stop the time of the world (thus causing the end of time = the end of the world). He succeeded and went back to see his dad but went he came back to the present (as an old dying man), and he told the spy kids, ".....you were right, nothing did change. My dad still died. I still haven't spent enough time with him. Live in the present and not the past because you can't change the past."

Now, my mind is clearer than before but I think I still have a long way to having the right thoughts. Well.. at least I am sure of what I don't want for now.

The perfect being.

I went back to my secondary school on Thursday (two days ago) to celebrate teachers' day. It's funny how teachers' day always feel more special after you have left the school.

Teachers.

We see them as a higher authority. Sometimes we even see them as a perfect being. The thought of your teacher/lecturer dancing to the latest k-pop hits or getting high after a few drinks would seem odd and amusing. But they actually are normal people who make mistakes, have bad days, get scolded by their bosses, and have a need for stress relieving entertainment; they just don't show it (or at least the more professional ones wouldn't. I know of teachers who bring their moods into the classroom and lash it out at students).

Maybe it's because of this that they seem inhuman.

Maybe it's because of this that we think that they wouldn't understand us.

Maybe it's because of this that we think teachers are worry-free.

Maybe it's because of this that we find it surprising when their itunes library is accidentally flashed to the class, songs like, LMFAO - Shots or Britney Spears - I Wanna Go appears.

Truth is, they are all just a more knowledgeable other that is trying to bring the best out of us.

O'levels has brought me much stress and I think it's a great experience. To me, it seems that the last year of your secondary school life is the year that you really see the most out of your teachers. Most meaning good and bad sides. I have seen the ugly side of some teachers and the angelic side of some. But no matter how much I think they deserve/don't deserve to be wished on this they of the year, I am sure they have impacted someone's life (just not mine) in their journey of teaching.

So, Happy Teachers Day to all teachers/lecturers.

And also, I tend to learn from everyone around me. Although they are not consciously teaching me, I learn things from then through their actions or from having conversation with them. This is why quotes like, "Wise men profit more from fools than fools from wise men; for the wise men shun the mistakes of fools, but fools do not imitate the successes of the wise." or"You can never learn anything from anyone that agrees with you." exist.

Therefore, to end this post I would like to say 3 things,

1) Be wise men.

2) Embrace conflict.

3) Happy teacher's day to EVERYONE fool or wise.

Why I blog(ged).

I survived my first sem of poly life. Turns out that poly life is awesome!! I haven't updated my blog for a super long time cuz I don't think anyone is reading my blog and I was wrong!! A few people are! But that's not the point. My initial reason for blogging wasn't to be a famous blogger; I wanted to sort my thoughts out through blogging.

The magical thing about putting thoughts into words is that you get to read what is on your mind and edit it. It is like taking out all your messy worksheets and handouts from your bag at the end of a week and filing it into their assigned files. Although you still have the same amount of worksheet, it is now neatly organised and put in a place where it's easily accessible. I don't know how you manage your worksheets but usually I will hate myself for not filing my worksheets up at the end of a week cuz it would mean that I will have a lot of messy papers in my bag.

I used to take blogging as an excuse to practice my English. During my secondary school days, English paper 1 would have topics like "Peace" or "Parents" or "Power" (I have no idea why they are all 'P' words) and usually my ideas for those essays came from blogging. So my essays are actually like 'canned food' essays; instant, and convenient!

Anyways, I am posting this to sort out my thoughts on blogging. I am very high on motivation this holiday and I plan to do many things. One of which is to revive my blog. So here I am with a bright bright blogskin cuz I am not in the mood to find a better one just yet!

I will be back soon!