Never Learnt This Much In A Month.

This month is worth blogging. I learnt a lot about myself. And the funniest thing is, throughout my entire life (okay, maybe just the past 5 years or so) of trying to understand myself, it is only this month that I've learnt a lot. Did I stop searching? No, I don't think so. Through correct interactions at the correct timing, things like this just come as and when they like. I guess that's why this month is so productive. No secrets.

#1 TAKE A BREAK

Many people fear having no friends or have no lover. Some (like me) fear break up of any sort, be it friends or lover. I am afraid to lose a relationship. But no matter how awesome I and another person may be together (friends or lovers), I will one day get tired of them. No, don't get me wrong! I don't mean I just suddenly hate them! I just don't want to see them for awhile and usually I get the same response from them too. I think it's just a natural thing. And when I do see them again, things usually become fresher and better. Maybe that's why people end up marrying their first love? Who knows? But my advice is, if you start to feel awkward with your friend and you somehow can't explain why, take a break. It will help the friendship.

#2 YOU MAKE YOUR OWN DECISIONS

This month, I have been watching The L Word. It is a TV series that involves a huge amount of Lesbian content that I can relate to. Many people think that watching The L Word is like watching porn, but I disagree! I guess it is possible if you only watched the sex scenes, but if you watched the series I am sure you would find the connection between two people beautiful instead of just full of lust. In fact, I cried during one of the sex scenes and I am the kind of person who DOESN'T cry during touching scenes in movies. (Ikr, I'm weird)

Okay, but that's not the point. I was going to tell you about something I learnt from The L Word. In The L Word, there was a lesbian couple named Alice and Tasha. Tasha worked in the U.S. Military. At that point of time, you could be kicked out of the military by being lesbian. So somehow, Tasha got caught having a girlfriend and so she had to go through trials (something like a court case). During the trial, Tasha did not plead guilty at first because she feels a strong commitment to the U.S. Military, however, after awhile, Tasha made a choice. She plead guilty because she loved Alice. In Tasha's mind, Alice was going to be with her forever. But she was dead wrong. Alice fell deeply in love with another woman. Alice wanted to give up that woman because Tasha gave up so much for her, but when Alice consulted her friend, Shane, Shane told Alice that everyone deserves to be happy and that no one should make their decisions based on someone else. Tasha was gay even before she met Alice. And I felt very strongly to that because the most regretful decisions I make are the ones that are based on others. It seems selfish but true. After all, everyone has a choice to leave but you can never leave yourself. No one owes you happiness.

#3 ASK WHEN YOU ARE UNSURE

Nuff said. Especially when the question is so big that it affects your mood.

Okay, I shall end my very long post here. Bye!

Without Judgement.

Alone without judgement is not alone.

Stupidity without judgement is not stupidity.

Ugliness without judgement is not ugly.

Beauty without judgement is not beauty.

I'm not saying that judgement is bad, but it is judgements that puts labels on things. Correct judgement helps us. Incorrect judgement misleads us. But more than often, judgement comes naturally. Just a simple "that looks delicious" is a judgement.

So is life without judgement possible? I would say that it is quite impossible. But I am still quite disturbed by the fact that I am constantly being misjudged. And the funniest thing is... I can't help the fact that people around me misjudge me. It's natural for them to judge and maybe that just happens to be the impression I left on them. But I realised that it is not their judgement that disturbs me most... It's me judging myself based on how others misjudge me. In other words, it is my own judgement that disturbs me most.

And at the end of the day, it's your own judgement about yourself that follows you home. The only way to get rid of it is to know who you really are.

Judgements are just labels... And labels are for clothing.

You are an ever-changing and unique person that no label or judgement can describe fully.

Don't let judgements stop you just because they were true at some point of time. You are more than that.

About Being Lesbian

I used to think that being gay was perfect and that everyone should be gay. Females are so complicated that only females could understand females and the same goes for men. Men are logical and unique creatures themselves too so it's easier for men to understand men. This makes everything better in a homosexual relationship. Right?

Wrong.

There is really not much of a difference in a lesbian relationship as compared to a straight relationship. Except the part about the periods and underwear and emotional stuff... but I'm sure guys are well informed about that nowadays too.

Women are known to be the more emotional gender out of the two and when two women come together, there's bound to be trouble. I have been seeing many posts about women logic and how much sense women DON'T make. For example, a post about women logic would look sound something like...

"He's offline - He's with that bitch!
He's online - He's chatting with that bitch!!"

However, no matter how much I laugh at women when I hang out with guys (sometimes girls too) I still like women and I am sure that my male friends like women too even though we laugh about them together. As crazy as it may sound, it excites me that there are so many emotions involved in a lesbian relationship. Although we fight twice as hard, but we also love twice as hard. A lesbian relationship certainly isn't for everyone because firstly, we can't help the fact that we like women and you can't just choose to like women either! And secondly, the drama that comes along with being a homosexual isn't easy (society hates you and shit). You know you're a lesbian when you meet a few jerky women that broke your heart yet you still want a relationship with a woman.

So here's to my favourite gender of the human species! The sometimes illogical but ultimately loving, caring, beautiful, capable and many other praises that can lead to the end of the universe... Women.

And preferably homosexual.
;)

Future Plans.

Recently, my life has been pretty much settled down. I finally know what I want to do. My aim in psychology is to work with hospice. It's not a path that many people choose to do, but I feel a calling for it. Plus, it is the area where musical therapy is greatly used. So yeah, that's my goal. I believe that death is as important and life. Dying in peace is something that everyone should have right to. The quality of death, determines a person's quality of life. If someone dies thinking that he is a burden and that his family has all left him to die because he is useless, it will affect his way of thinking about his life. He would feel unaccomplished and sad. I don't know what happens after death, but I feel that, just because a person is going to die, doesn't mean that we should ignore his psychological needs. I hope to work with hospice but things always don't turn out the way we want it to be in life, so if all things fail, I have a backup plan. The military.

Look, I love Singapore okay? I know some think that it sucks being in Singapore because it's a Pay And Pay country, but I feel secure here. If I had a choice, I would get my psychology degree in NUS and work in Singapore. I want to stay here forever. Of course, I don't mind going out of sg to work for a few months and stuff, but to give up my citizenship as a Singaporean isn't something that I will do. I love how I have minimal worries on getting killed when I come home at 3 am, I love how the education here is world recognized, I love how we seldom need to worry about lack of food supply, our streets are clean, our transport systems are quite efficient, I love my kopi-o-siew dai, teh-c, diao-he and so on... Of course, there are lots to complain about this country, but I still love it the way it is. And if I can't fulfill my degree in psychology when I grow up, I will gladly join SAF to serve the country. "What's there to fight for?" You may ask. "It's not like anyone is gonna start a war with Sg!" Our country is pretty rich and successful, so you never know if anyone out there is a little jealous at us. Plus, no one owes Singapore a living. If we don't take full responsibility to protect ourselves, no one would.

Anyway, being in the military has been one of my childhood dreams. So I really don't mind actually! Hahaha!

Imperfect boy

Within that night, everything seemed to have fallen into place for the both of them. She liked him and he liked her. They knew. It was like a silent agreement they made. That was how it started. He thought she was the perfect girl. Nothing else seemed to matter as long as he could spend him time with her... An hour would be good. A day would be better. A week would be awesome. A lifetime would be perfect.

To him, she is flawless.

He felt like the luckiest person on Earth. To him, he is full of imperfections. No amount of convincing could change his mind. He craves and seeks for attention, in fear that once she turns her back on him, she would walk away. And walked away she did, leaving the anxious, imperfect, and attention craving boy behind.

The boy was hopeless. There used to be a war between his imperfect self and his reassuring girlfriend. But now that reassuring girlfriend is gone, he is hopeless. Trapped in his own body, day by day, trying to fight the thoughts that eat him alive but they didn't even budge. "You will never find someone like her." "Nobody would fall for you." "You lost her, IT'S YOUR FAULT. All your fault" "If only you were less attention seeking, more mature, etc. you wouldn't have lost her."

"Maybe they will be gone after some sleep." - A day...

"The thoughts should fade away, right?" - A week...

"I hate her. I hate her. I hate her." - A month...

"If only I was different back then..." - A year...

No, the thoughts still won't go away.

Imperfect boy still craves attention. He never moved on. He still believes that if he could turn back time, he could make things better. But that was, obviously, impossible. Imperfect boy also believed that if he could date a girl like her and treat her well, he could forgive himself and forget the past.

Imperfect boy was angry at himself. Angry at how immature he was, angry at how attention seeking he was, angry at all the wrong things he focused on. He didn't really cared about the girl at all! All he cared about was how this perfect girl 'belonged' to him and how she could fill in the holes of his heart.

He didn't bother to fill in the holes of perfect girl's heart.

Heck! He didn't even know perfect girl had holes in her heart!

Perfect girl never got back with him, she gotten over him. Perfect girl number 2 never showed up. He tired many different relationships with imperfect girls and none of them worked out. They just made him feel more and more pathetic.

Imperfect boy was constantly unhappy but he didn't want to be. It's been 3 years since the break up, and he is still not letting go of his past, not forgiving himself. Perfect girl still seems so perfect to him but he is feeling very tired and unfulfilled. He is tired of feeling the way he feels. He wants to break free.

After 3 years of anger and hatred towards himself since the break up, he finally decided to forgive himself. He tries to break contact with all the imperfect girls and try standing on his own two feet. He struggles at first, but he realised that it isn't that hard to believe in himself. He battles his thoughts on his own, reassuring himself that he is capable and perfect in his own way. He fought. It was hard. He falls back into the hands of imperfect girls and they hurt him again and again. But the hurt doesn't make him feel pathetic anymore, it makes him feel stronger. The hurt reminds him of the purpose of battling his thoughts, it's a constant fight, but he won. At least for now.

A few years later, he ran into perfect girl (his ex) and decided to have coffee with her. It was a casual chat, his heart wasn't racing and it wasn't awkward at all. He was happy with how it turned out. When he reached home that day, he recalled how his ex was like that afternoon. The girl he once deemed perfect wasn't that perfect after all. But this wasn't one of the best discoveries just yet.

The best thing was...

Whatever perfect girl said to reassure imperfect guy was true at that point of time. Imperfect boy was just too blind to see that he was, too, perfect.

That's what we did.

The easiest way out is to blame the world and say, "That's just the way it is!".

The way the poor and the rich can never click because they live in different worlds.

The way religion promotes peace and harmony yet it is the main cause of war.

The way the Earth is burning up but some still refuse to lift a finger.

The way the some parts of the world is stuffing itself so full, it longs to be skinny.... yet, ironically, at another part of the world, people are starving to death.

The way some always have the right to speak but others either go unheard or are forced to keep mum.

The way we are stealing homes from the animals and that seems very legal.

The way the numbers on the weighing scale seems to measure beauty.

I'm not particularly emo right now, I am just typing this post because I feel that many things that happen in the human world don't make sense.

But... That's just the way it is.

Sleep

As the sunlight shown brightly into my bedroom despite my closed curtains, I knew it was way pass 8am. Maybe even 9. I dragged myself to the side of my bed to take a look at the time. 9.30am. Tiredness convinced me to rest my eyes for another minute.

Maybe it was the long walk home from Serangoon last night that caused me to feel so lethargic. Usually I would feel wide awake by 9am no matter what time I sleep. I remembered how my mom used to watch TV until 2am and I wouldn't be able to sleep till then as I am very sensitive to light. But this morning, the sun seemed to have no effect on me. I opened my eyes. 10am.

Fortunately, my activities planned for the day didn't need me to wear anything fancy. I wore a dark blue dry-fit tee and a pair of black basketball shorts and headed downstairs to fill up my bottle. I was hoping I could get a lift from my mom but she wasn't at home. I fed my pets in a hurry and left.

The sky looked cloudy, perfect weather for a day at the park if it doesn't rain. I read Hunger Games as I waited for the bus. The book gets more and more interesting after the halfway mark. I am in awe of what words in a book could make you imagine and the places they'd take you. I struggled to get on the bus, book and wallet on one hand and roller-blades on the other.

I am meeting my friends, Shaw and Weijian, at Bishan to go to the gym together. Then after that, we were planning to head to the park to roller-blade, or cycle, or fly-kite (depending on our areas of interest). Guangyi and Zixing was planning to tag along as well but soon, the weathers twisted our plans. It started to drizzle. Shaw and I were too tired from yesterday's walk to head to the gym and the weather doesn't seem promising for roller-blading. We decided to cancel all plans and head to my house.

Nothing much happened from there. I read Hunger Games with Shaw and we discussed a little about the book. The day was uneventful but somehow fulfilling for me as I have practiced the piano and finished the first book of Hunger Games.

All I can say is, Hunger Games is really amazing and addictive.

It keeps you lingering in their fantasy world of capitol, the districts, and the Mockingjays.

It's saddens me that Mockingjays don't really exist.

Maybe they do, maybe they are called parrots.

Lol.

Tonight, I need sleep.

Successfully Escaped!

I can't help but burst out laughing before writing this post. My own carelessness has made me a fool. Anyway, to keep it short and simple, the awkwardness of asking "Who are you?" when you don't recognize someone could last a minute or two, but the embarrassment of faking and assuming that you know the person could last for days and months!!!

But lucky for me, I laugh it off. It's not as embarrassing as it could be thanks to my friends.

Oh and I drank a lot lately...

I probably wasn't sober from Tuesday to Thursday.

So I wanna thank my friends for taking care of me!