Self-Censorship.

Last night, I finally showed a little disagreement to my mother about her point of view of my future.

My parents, mainly my mom, believes that working for the government will give me a better future. Her stand was that the government always gives bonus when he should and pays a fair monthly pay whereas private companies might not (if the boss is happy you get your bonus, if he is not, you don't get it). This is also mainly because the government is has LOAAAADSA money and they can afford to pay their workers well without missing a single cent. So in other words working for the government is more stable than working for privates.

For those who know me well enough, I can be tough, but being in the police force or the military for the next 30 years of my life isn't exactly what I am looking forward to doing. Yes, it is stable and I might consider criminology (a kind of behavioral psychology) if I enter the police force as a professional (which means I don't have to wear the police uniform and I get a freaking high pay, something like a CID), but I don't know if I will be happy carrying a loaded gun around with me hoping that there will never be a time in my life that I need to use it.

Call me naive. Maybe I really am. But sometimes ignorance is bliss and not knowing so much is good. If I follow my mom's way, I have a strong feeling that there would be nights that I can't sleep. Not because I have work to do but because of all the shit I know that's running through my mind again and again like gunshots and explosions in a battlefield. And I can bet with you that there is nothing more tiring than not having a free mind.

There is so much I can do but yet she doesn't see it. My window of opportunities to her is no bigger than the window on a jail cell. I feel trapped like a bird whose cage is too small for it to spread its wings. But yet I still act as if I agree, because I know every sign of disagreement would ripple to disaster. Last night I tried and I proved myself right.

"Fake a smile and just agree." My dad always tells me. But how long can you fake a smile? My mom can talk for hours and hours about my future and if I really just fake a smile and agree, I am taking away my mom's chance of really understanding me for who I am! But I guess she will not appreciate the REAL me anyway. She never did. So when I communicate with my mom it will be "Screen saver mode: On" + Nodding when needed. How sad.

First nursing, now this.

Am I being fake or just keeping peace?