Too bored.

When our needs are fed by our government, we get kinda bored and find other stuff to do.

I hate civilization sometimes.

It's convenient, but we kind of lost our initial reason to live...

"To stay alive."

And I think people back then treasured life more than we now do.

Just thoughts.

Sometimes I find myself hating you for what you did. I am trying to forget it and I think it's been going pretty well. Everything is going according to plan. I know this was what I wanted but now I'm not sure if I really want it to happen. Your posts still make my heart race. I find myself scrolling back to read them every time I spot them. I used to desperately try and look for any trace of sadness or signs of you feeling the same as I do. But there's none. And now, I am just looking at them to see if you are doing well.

I guess you don't know what you did but you made me feel like a toy. You made me feel as if you were deliberately making me fall for you. You never get freaked out, you never backed away when I did the 'wrong' things, in fact you kept coming back. Do you have any idea how sick it is for me to battle myself in my own thoughts, trying to convince myself that your actions actually contradict your thoughts and you don't mean the things you do or say? You don't mean you love me. You don't mean you want a relationship with me. You just want a friend. I know that. But it seems that every time I am with you, I forget that.

I am ranting here because I am pretty sure you won't read this and honestly, even if you do, I don't care. I have felt too many wrong emotions. Emotions that I shouldn't even go through and they leave me in constant confusion. Maybe if I told you that I liked you when I first met you, all these wouldn't happen. Maybe if I got rejected harshly back then I would waste less time on you. But I am glad I made the decision I made. I know it's not too late. Forgive me if I'm not there for you anymore, I need to be there for myself.

Maybe this is karma for me. Maybe one day you will understand how I feel when someone gives you the wrong signal and takes you for a spin.

I'm not going to waste my time on you anymore.

Mindset

Previously, I wrote a post about how cluttered my life is.. It was a period where everything that I do wasn't going well and I felt quite negative about the things around me so I decided to find out what's going on.

Although I'm pretty packed with things (e.g. Taekwondo, school, projects outside of my course, music, etc) I didn't want to give any of it up. So I decided that I better get my priorities right (an advice by one of my sec sch teachers that I didn't pay much attention to back then). I decided that school mattered most to me and since I was very busy with exams and presentations, other things outside of school shouldn't matter so much.

So I left it at that and went for my taekwondo class. Unprepared, I was made to lead class and I reminded myself that whether I screw up or not, it doesn't matter... But of course, I will do my best. And surprisingly, I did an awesome job. I didn't screw up! I was natural and relaxed the entire time! I was really amazed because usually when I am made to lead class, I immediately break into cold sweat and I will have a heart attack.

I guess it's the "As long as its my best, I'm happy." mindset that helped me. And it shouldn't surprise me that much because in psychology, I learnt that higher arousal = lower performance. This means that the more stress you give yourself, the lower your rate of success. Noticed that I used 'give yourself' when referring to stress. The amount of stress you feel can usually be controlled! And that's where the power of mindset comes in.

I think the main reason why I've been screwing up on everything that matters to me is because of my mindset. I feel that it matters a lot, so I give myself high stress which sadly produces bad results.

I guess there are people that work well under high stress, and maybe I do too last time, but now it's time for a change. I need to be more relaxed.

The beauty about life is that it's ever changing... One day I will come back here and write about how being relaxed has caused me to overlook things.

Life is all about balance and we must learn how to keep balance. Just like tuning a guitar string, if you tune it too tightly, it will snap and there would be no music... Tune it too loose and it will unwind and there would be no music... Tune it just right and it will play the notes you want and there will be music!

You can use the same analogy on cooking, parenting, colours, temperature, etc. because life is all about balance. And we can keep balance in our lives with the right mindset.

I'm Not A Thinker.

I think, I think. Lol, get it?

I thought that I was a thinker. Someone that gave much thought about life's experiences. Someone that knew what was going on even when people in the situation don't. But though these few days, I realised that I'm not that much of a thinker.

I'm not saying that I don't think at all, I'm just saying that I don't understand everything that happens like I think I do. I screw up too. And I should forgive myself for that.

These two weeks has been a struggle for me as I battle my own thoughts. I wouldn't know what to do if it wasn't for the people around me that gave me different points of views.

In the wise words of Albert Einstein, "You can never solver a problem on the same level which it was created." I'm sure he was referring to something about physics, but what he said applies to real life as well. And sometimes, the only way to go on to a different level is with the help of someone else. When someone shares their point of view of your situation, it's like an eye-opener. You get that "ah ha!" moment which you can never get if you kept the problem to yourself. I don't know about you, but I always get these "ah ha!" moments when I share my problems, which is why I feel that I am not that much of a thinker after all.

Now don't get pressurized, when I share with you my problems, I am not expecting great advice. Just the feeling of someone else understanding my struggle actually helps me relax a little. As long as someone I trust is willing to listen, I am happy.

I am grateful to have such friends.

Me to me.

If you think everything is so fucked up, then it is.

The opposite works too.

The only reason as to why a person would threaten to die so many times is because they feel more loved when they're dying.

You know what I mean.

Suddenly everyone is a big fan of Whitney Houston.

Time for Change

My life is like a cluttered drain.

Too many commitments, too many promises, and now, I'm stuck in this sad state. Probably many are disappointed at me and some, angry. But I think the person that is the most disappointed with me now is myself.

I thought I knew what I was doing, I thought I can handle it all... I thought I could be superman. But evidently, I am not. I am nothing but a yes-man. A promise breaker.

But trust me, I tried my best.

I will let fate decide on what remains in my life. But for now, I want some peace. I want time to myself. I never understand people who wanted time to themselves, but now I do.

I can't keep on living like this.

I need to change.

Apple

I don't believe in 'Love'

Why bother looking for love when the only thing you are after is the chase?

You know what I mean. That feeling when say you've lost the love for someone? It's not love, it's just the feeling of 'the chase' and the excitement of it all. You lost the feeling of excitement and now you are totally comfortable with your partner. When you see them, your heart doesn't pump fast anymore. When you go on dates with them you can meet them in your pajamas without being afraid of judgement. And when you reach that level of intimacy, you need not do much to please them anymore because the chase is over and their 'yours' now.

And at this point, you feel like breaking up because you have suddenly realized that you don't feel as much love for that person anymore. But in actual fact, there's little love to speak of in the first place! You are breaking up because there is nothing left to do anymore, no more excitement, no more chase... To simply put it, you are BORED.

What is love to you? A lustful adrenalin rush?

To love is to commit.

At least that's my definition.

So if you are breaking up with someone for the same reason, you might want to think again. Why are you falling in love in the first place?

Now I finally understand why lovers can never love you more than your parents do (well at least for most people).

Words can't describe my thoughts.

Prestige

I was going to type this blog post yesterday but I didn't have time. I didn't know how a day could make such a big difference. It changed my entire view for this post.

Prestige is a kind of reputation arising from success. It's like a high rank. It gives a kind of power that commands respect. Prestige is a good thing. Everyone wants to be prestigious. They want it so much, they fight for it.

Being prestigious makes you special, it makes you a rank above the rest... Or at least most people view it that way. But what if you depend your identity on a prestigious role be it a scholarship, or a status in your career? Chances are, you'll mess up.

Prestige is a positive attribute. It's much easier to label yourself with positive attributes than negative ones because positive attributes make you feel good about yourself. I think that's the main reason why people tend to get too crazy about their prestigious positions. They are so attached to their prestigious positions that when they lose that position, they lose themselves.

It's no wonder why they protect their position with their life. Often stepping on others just so that they could get to the top of the totem pole. It sounds barbaric, but if one person starts behaving like this, everyone would too. No one wants to be at the bottom of the totem pole.

And the scary thing isn't the vicious cycle of prestige...

It is how easy you can lose yourself in the fight for it.

I have no solutions for this because I am stuck in the process of losing myself too. But maybe one day, I will comeback with answers and type a wiser post on this.