Knowing Someone.

There are so many emotions kept inside that I want to share, but not everything can be described in words.

'Give me a lifetime, I'll show you everything that makes me who I am and what I'm not.' - Hannah Hart (Spend A Little Bit)

Somethings can only be shown through experience and process. But because I am a living, growing, human being, I do change from time to time. So just because you used to know me well, doesn't mean that you know me well now. The quote above says it all. Never assume you know someone well because there will always be changes that we need to assimilate and accommodate about an individual.

Rant: I have a crush on you?

I really hate it when people just assume that you have a crush on them and start to avoid you or even worst, start telling you off! I was walking with a friend one day and she suddenly told me that we can't be together because her parents wouldn't allow it and I'm like 'The fuck's wrong with you bro? I don't remember proposing to you!!'... Of course I didn't say it out loud it's all in my head but seriously? How can someone be so sure that you like them?!?! And the funniest thing is that the people who avoid/confront me because they think I am crushing on them usually have never crossed my mind as a romantic partner. Maybe they have a misconception that lesbians fall for every girl they see or whatever, but still, I don't know exactly how large a person's ego has to be for them to convince themselves that someone is madly in love with them. 

I'm just really grossed out by these people and if they fear that I would have a crush on them, they should rest assured because I never will. 

I wish these people can see how much of a joke they are. 

Hello!

I know I have been ridiculously emo with my posts lately, but I just need a venting ground. I just need somewhere to put my thoughts down because I have been thinking too much. Don't worry, I'm not about to kill myself nor hide my sorrows with a smile. When I'm happy, I'm genuinely happy. It's just that when I am at home and alone, I think about things that bother me.

I am thankful for everyone that has shown concern towards me. I don't want you to worry about me cuz there really is nothing to worry about! If I am really depressed, I can't fake a smile. And in that sense, I am a bad actress! Hahah!

So yeah, I'm fine. No worries!
Xoxo

More reflections.

I remember that day when I was stand in front of my mirror. I was buttoning my shirt and you just casually put your arms around my waist. With that, I immediately froze. It's funny how most people fall in love with the first kiss but that hug from the back - it caught me off guard. Your chin was resting on my shoulder and I could smell the shampoo from your hair. The fragrance reminded me of childhood. You tightened your hug, and I looked into the mirror only to realise that we were both smiling. It was full of innocence and bliss.

It's soft lips and it's hair

It's fire I see when a woman's there

It's not mind not body,

It's heart.

Those were the lyrics from Heart by Jenna Anne. Every time I listen to that song, it brings me back to that moment. To be absolutely honest, I've only considered myself to have been in one true relationship. Yes, I had many past relationships but none of them were as deep as the one where I discovered that I could never go back to dating men. I don't know what the relationship meant to my ex, but it meant a lot to me. It's almost like a puzzle that I can never solve but I never want to stop trying and till now, I am still trying to figure it all out. Even though I no longer have that sore, empty feeling in my heart now whenever I think about our relationship, my heart remembers how it was like.

And I can understand how a person, who has never been in a relationship, might not understand the obsession for love. It's like not being able to miss the taste of a cherry pie because you have never tasted one before. But when the heart has felt that kind of love, it always tends to crave for it and find ways to get that feeling back. That's how people convince themselves that they should date random people, as if falling in love with any random person would bring back that feeling of ecstasy that comes with love. And I can't talk shit about that because I was one of those people too.

I used walk around being as confident as a douche bag, and I guess people just played along too. Most of my relationships started with something like "Hey sexy." and ended in less than a month with "Well, that was fun! Bye for now." and I don't want to play in that game anymore.

I don't know what made me see this, but it is all so clear now. I'm still a child inside with a lot to learn. I know too little about people, things, and life. And at the age of 18, most people are like me too. The closest thing I have to a lifetime of experience is probably Hollywood and Hollywood is for fantasies, not real life.

Everyone has their own opinions, but in my opinion, I'm not ready to date again unless I live on my own expenses and have my emotional issues sorted out. And I expect the same for my future girlfriend whom I can, hopefully, call her my wife someday.

Link to Heart by Jenna Anne: http://youtu.be/koBH4WuJRj4

Lost Pages: Past

If I could turn back time and change whatever I wanted, I would treat people better. It's not fun holding on to the regret of not being able to treat someone the way they deserved to be treated once they are gone. And the memories are painful because I only remember 2 things: (1) The undeserving good treatment that I got and (2) How much of a bastard I was. Every time I think of it, I feel like punching myself in the face.

Instead of going into self-hate, I should treat the current people in my life better but it's easier said than done. Nowadays, There are moments when I just can't stand myself. 

I used to be able to brush off negative comments but now, images of situations whereby this negative comment may be true comes into mind even when the comment is made by a friend who was merely joking.

There are so many regrets holding me back. Sometimes, I randomly grunt while eating or doing a task as I just recalled a mistake I've done in the past but when people ask me what's wrong, I'd say 'nothing'. 

I know it's like crying over spilled milk. Maybe I just need time to get over it.

Lost Pages: My Little Encounter

Today I am going to write something very intimate for a change. This post would actually be in my journal/dairy if I actually had one but the fact is, I don't. And so in this post I will talk about my honest feelings and hopefully you can relate to them. This kind of posts would be called 'Lost Pages' from now on.

Recently, I have decided to play Runescape... Hey! Don't judge, okay? I like to re-live my childhood once in awhile! Lol. Anyway, I could not excess my main account anymore (I haven't played it in 5 years, I think) so I started from scratch. Now, you have to understand that Runescape is the kind of game I would play due to boredom and it doesn't really matter what level I am at as long as I have fun with friends and keep myself occupied. So the thought of someone actually being proud of his or her level in Runescape didn't really seemed possible to me. I was level 80 once and I still die in the Wilderness, still smith items for money, and still am unable to solve certain quests! Eventually, I stopped playing cuz training when you are at such a high level is frustrating. You take a damn long time just to up a combat level (and that, was an important reinforcer to me). LOL!

But there are many cases of bullying in Runescape and (I believe) in other MMORPGs as well. And one most common form of bullying is verbal bullying (calling them noob, etc.). Today, I just met a guy who spotted me training on the guards at Varrock and upon seeing me struggling with the guard there he immediately said, "Lol, wtf." and then he proceeded to kill a guard. Considering that he is of quite a high level, he did it pretty easily. And so, he proclaimed, "That was easy. -.-" "Why the hell are you killing guards?" and he said more things but I can't remember. I didn't reply to any of them but I could feel that his level in Runescape meant a lot to him. I have to admit that his words got my heart racing. I could feel the anger rise in me but I made a promise to myself long ago that I would not fight pointless fights. So the next thing I could do was to think about that guy and relate what he did to real life. And now, I kinda thank fate that I met him.

He made me realised that whoever who makes fun of you while you are at a low point is most likely afraid that you will someday be better than them. At the gym for example, anyone who laughs at a fat person running on a treadmill or a skinny person trying hard to lift weights, is secretly afraid that those people will one day be better than them. They feel that they are better than those people and will never dare to believe that those people can, someday, come up to their level.

So now, whenever someone laughs at me or tries to demotivate me, I know that what I am doing is a threat to them... And it becomes a motivation.

Negativity Whirlpool

Those who understand the law of attraction would understand this easily. 

When someone believe that they are at a down period of their lives, they feel that nothing is going their way and the start to find examples of things not going their way. This creates a negativity whirlpool which will result in the person getting 'sucked' into a depressing state of constantly feeling lousy. This person could choose to dwell in the negativity until something good happens, or choose to start taking this more positively.

Halfway through September.

September has been a really embarrassing month for me. I got enlightened about my flaws and all the flaws of the people around me. And I feel that the only reason why things will never be good enough for any of us will be because of our constant longing for greater things.

Just like how a person with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) would keep on repeating an action because he/she thinks that it's not good enough (e.g. washing hands), we all have some level of obsession about improving ourselves or the things/people around us. And the beauty in this is that as long as someone in the human race isn't satisfied, the world will continue to 'develop' the human way.

Being able to recognise my flaws is a good thing as I will be able to develop myself. But it isn't always as easy as it sounds because people often have trouble accepting their flaws, which is the first step to change. And I am still struggling with that.

I don't know how to say this but there is a lot of self-hate and negativity that comes with the recognition of my flaws. I knew I wasn't perfect, but I didn't know that I was that bad. But whatever it is, there is no point of dwelling in self-pity and sorrow. It's time to do the best that I can to save the things I haven't destroyed and change for the better.

Wish me luck.