Made Up Stories (Part 2/2)

If you haven't read part 1, this wouldn't make sense to you so...

http://the-morphine.blogspot.sg/2014/11/made-up-stories-part-12.html

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I started realising that it was a problem only when I had a little more friends during my secondary 3 & 4 years. My social circle was bigger and there were more and more lies. I was very careful to not let my different social circles meet each other because they would have a warped perception of each other through my stories.

By sec 3, my bubble of lies was already burst more times than I would like to admit... but that didn't stop me, what made me not want to lie anymore was the freedom in telling the truth.

Now, I know this is starting to sound like some morals essay but seriously though...Sometimes I would become very close to a friend to a point where she would introduce me to her other friends and I always felt slightly weird because I would never be able to do that. I am a different person within different cliques... mix two group of friends together and I would act as if I had split personality. On top of that, my friends didn't know me for who I am... They know me for who I try to be.

And it shouldn't be that way.

So I started to change... I didn't take back all my lies, so it's still up to you to figure out which one is a lie. But I did started telling stories truthfully. And the people that cared listened. No one left or stopped being friends with me just because I lived an average life.

It was nice to know that I could just be myself and still be loved. 

Made Up Stories (Part 1/2).

Being alone wasn't easy. It didn't come naturally even though I was pretty much left out for most of my early years. I yearned to fit in because it felt awkward sitting alone during lunch in a crowded canteen. It felt painful to always be the last person without group mate(s) during activities. It felt like nobody (parents included) paid much attention to me. Parents do not ask "How are you doing?" instead they ask "How are your grades?" And the teasing... Don't even get me started.

I used to create stories in my head. Scenarios. Things that didn't actually happen but I wished they did just so I could have a cool story to tell. Just so someone would find me interesting (and maybe attention worthy) for once.

This happened so often it became a habit.

At school, something would happen... maybe a classmate of mine shouted at the teacher. Now that's a story to tell. But what if that doesn't produce a reaction with the 'audience'? I am gonna say that my classmate shouted at the teacher and gave the teacher a punch! Hah. I might also give a ridiculous background story of my classmate. That will make my story interesting. After all, the people who I am going to tell my story to aren't in anyway related to my classmates so there would be no one to expose my lie.

It started with parents, then tutors, then friends and close friends.

This escalated pretty badly. The stories were interesting and I managed to capture the attention I wanted. However, I felt uncomfortable telling things as they were. I couldn't. I was afraid if I don't spice something up no one would listen. It came to a point where I couldn't even be honest with my counsellor and the things that happened during my counselling sessions.

I didn't see it as a problem back then. I felt that I could very well keep track of the lies I have told, as long as the group of people that I lied to do not meet up with the group of people that I lied about I would be fine.

Lest they be forgotten.

Everyone has voices in their heads. 

Or at least I am admitting that I do.

I feel that it's reason why I jump from one thought to another as if there were tiny creatures in my head snatching for the remote control to my channel of thought. The thoughts do not go deeper than surface level if I do not focus on them and soon they would just fade into the back of my mind. 

But of course, I am larger than the creatures in my head. I hold the main controller to my thoughts. I am able to stay on a channel that I like and dig a little deeper into it - talk to a friend about it or just debate with myself. But there is only so much my working memory can hold and process. 

This is why I write. 

I write to focus.

I write to explore.

I write to remember,

Lest they be forgotten. 

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P/S: This is my first post in a very long time. Consider this post a new beginning for my blog. 

The Miracle Machine

If we can throw away the concept of mind and memory for awhile, we would realize that our life did not start when we came out of our mother's womb. Our life started when stars died and exploded, releasing particles known as 'stardust' that contain mostly oxygen, hydrogen, and iron. These are the same elements we are made of. To keep it simple, we are all made from stars and we are stars down to our blood (iron). We are an abundance of miracles intertwined and we have existed since the start of time.

For a long time, I have been struggling with the question, "Who am I?"
And this is what I've found.

I am not the name that is given to me at birth, neither am I my hobby. I can't just describe myself with one trait either, I am a flexible, living being. So who am I? Throw away the concept of memory and you will realize that you are your parents, your grandparents, the person you hate, the person you love, the trees outside your windows, the fishes in the sea... You are the world.

You were the past, you are now the present, and you will be the future.

You were once that star that exploded into an abundance of miracles. You have existed since the start of time because death does not kill you, it only allows you to continue living in another form. The reason behind our existence right now is based on the number of times we have lived, died and find our ways back to life again. It is almost like a cycle of miracles.

We are technically grandchildren of the exploded stars and our mother is the sun of our solar system. Without the sun (which is also a star) the cycle of miracles on earth would freeze.

The thought of it is just beautiful. Whenever I think about this, I would wonder... Is this why people are drawn towards wishing upon stars? Or how a night sky filled with stars could take our breath away? Could it be that we have already known about this cycle of miracles because it has somehow been encrypted in our hearts since the start of time?

And if we know that stars are beautiful, why would we think any less of ourselves?

Purposeful Procrastination

During my rush for assignments, I realized that my pattern of procrastination revolved around things that are 'fun'. I said 'fun' because I enjoyed doing these things but I wouldn't take time out to do them on purpose. For example, I don't find Bubble Island extremely fun after my exams and assignments are over but when I am procrastinating a task, Bubble Island is one of the top distractions. (It is a Facebook game, in case you didn't know.)

This leads me to conclude that we do need a motivation to procrastinate and the motivator is none other than our task-on-hand which we perceive as difficult. The things that we do while procrastinating are not necessarily the things we enjoy doing but a whole list of 'I would rather...'s. It is a form of avoidance/ running away from the actual task-on-hand. This creates a cycle of this own:

Task - Avoidance - Procrastination - Realization

This is assuming that the task is perceived as difficult.

During procrastination, we would (at some point) reach a realization that we need to complete our task NOW to avoid an undesired outcome. This is when the alarms in your head goes off and you feel a need to start the task. However, this usually does not last until the end of the task. You might finish the first paragraph of your research paper and decide that it is sufficient to avoid the undesired outcome (the alarms in your head have stopped). And that's where procrastination comes in again.

Procrastination is important. Although it is usually referred to as an obstacle that we need to avoid, I believe procrastination serves some kind of purpose. It's like our brain's own way of 'going out for some fresh air' before continuing your work (you could do it literally as well) and without this mechanism, we might end up overworking ourselves. During procrastination, we might also come up with new ideas for our task because we are relaxed. That's why 'therapeutic' (or stress relieving) activities such as taking a bath, going for a cycle/run, or stoning aids creativity. The best ideas come from the shower!

So next time when you procrastinate, try to make your procrastination fruitful. Sometimes it is easier to see the big picture (and what's wrong with it) when you take a step back.

Happy New Year

It's been awhile since I posted here. This space is where I feel safe to share almost anything because the only people who read these post are the ones close enough to me to care (or the ones that accidentally come from random Google searches). Although it is late, I am still going to wish you a happy new year.

Ever since my last post, I have been struggling with some emotions. So to avoid all the "Why you so emo?" I have decided to not post at all. But on the contrary, I have been spilling my negative thoughts on Twitter so I still got my "Why you so emo?" anyway. I won't elaborate on why I am sad, but let's just say that the universe doesn't care if you are happily settled or terribly miserable with only one dearest thing left, if it wants to have an earthquake it will have an earthquake. You have no say over it.

There is some kind of fear when you are about to succeed. Some may understand this but most would not. It is that fear that once you say the word, hand up your paper, or publish a blog post, all your efforts will go to waste because even though you've tried your best, you still failed anyway.  Thinking of success is a risk, just like how falling in love is also a risk. But without that last step, your effort is worthless.

Tell that to the my pile of half completed music compositions, the 'I love you's that weren't said, and the person who waits for the time to run out even when she had finished the paper during an exam long before the given time. They need to hear it. The person behind it needs to hear it.

Cards

We are all born with different cards on our hands. Some are luckier, they have looks, money, or special talents. Some are less lucky, they are disabled, poor, or they belong nowhere. The world is unfair you might say, but this is the way it is and nothing can change that. 

We are all born with different cards on our hands, but how we play it is entirely up to us.

Our Brains are Not Limitless.

We forget what we say or write most of the time. Ask me about the notes I took in class today, I might not be able to recite everything to you without referring. Same with blogs and assignments. I just received my essays from last semester and when I read it, all that went through my mind was, "Did I write that?" "That was a dumb mistake!! Why did I do that!" and similar thoughts. 

Refer to a random post you made a few months ago and you'll see what I mean.

Knowing Someone.

There are so many emotions kept inside that I want to share, but not everything can be described in words.

'Give me a lifetime, I'll show you everything that makes me who I am and what I'm not.' - Hannah Hart (Spend A Little Bit)

Somethings can only be shown through experience and process. But because I am a living, growing, human being, I do change from time to time. So just because you used to know me well, doesn't mean that you know me well now. The quote above says it all. Never assume you know someone well because there will always be changes that we need to assimilate and accommodate about an individual.

Rant: I have a crush on you?

I really hate it when people just assume that you have a crush on them and start to avoid you or even worst, start telling you off! I was walking with a friend one day and she suddenly told me that we can't be together because her parents wouldn't allow it and I'm like 'The fuck's wrong with you bro? I don't remember proposing to you!!'... Of course I didn't say it out loud it's all in my head but seriously? How can someone be so sure that you like them?!?! And the funniest thing is that the people who avoid/confront me because they think I am crushing on them usually have never crossed my mind as a romantic partner. Maybe they have a misconception that lesbians fall for every girl they see or whatever, but still, I don't know exactly how large a person's ego has to be for them to convince themselves that someone is madly in love with them. 

I'm just really grossed out by these people and if they fear that I would have a crush on them, they should rest assured because I never will. 

I wish these people can see how much of a joke they are. 

Hello!

I know I have been ridiculously emo with my posts lately, but I just need a venting ground. I just need somewhere to put my thoughts down because I have been thinking too much. Don't worry, I'm not about to kill myself nor hide my sorrows with a smile. When I'm happy, I'm genuinely happy. It's just that when I am at home and alone, I think about things that bother me.

I am thankful for everyone that has shown concern towards me. I don't want you to worry about me cuz there really is nothing to worry about! If I am really depressed, I can't fake a smile. And in that sense, I am a bad actress! Hahah!

So yeah, I'm fine. No worries!
Xoxo

More reflections.

I remember that day when I was stand in front of my mirror. I was buttoning my shirt and you just casually put your arms around my waist. With that, I immediately froze. It's funny how most people fall in love with the first kiss but that hug from the back - it caught me off guard. Your chin was resting on my shoulder and I could smell the shampoo from your hair. The fragrance reminded me of childhood. You tightened your hug, and I looked into the mirror only to realise that we were both smiling. It was full of innocence and bliss.

It's soft lips and it's hair

It's fire I see when a woman's there

It's not mind not body,

It's heart.

Those were the lyrics from Heart by Jenna Anne. Every time I listen to that song, it brings me back to that moment. To be absolutely honest, I've only considered myself to have been in one true relationship. Yes, I had many past relationships but none of them were as deep as the one where I discovered that I could never go back to dating men. I don't know what the relationship meant to my ex, but it meant a lot to me. It's almost like a puzzle that I can never solve but I never want to stop trying and till now, I am still trying to figure it all out. Even though I no longer have that sore, empty feeling in my heart now whenever I think about our relationship, my heart remembers how it was like.

And I can understand how a person, who has never been in a relationship, might not understand the obsession for love. It's like not being able to miss the taste of a cherry pie because you have never tasted one before. But when the heart has felt that kind of love, it always tends to crave for it and find ways to get that feeling back. That's how people convince themselves that they should date random people, as if falling in love with any random person would bring back that feeling of ecstasy that comes with love. And I can't talk shit about that because I was one of those people too.

I used walk around being as confident as a douche bag, and I guess people just played along too. Most of my relationships started with something like "Hey sexy." and ended in less than a month with "Well, that was fun! Bye for now." and I don't want to play in that game anymore.

I don't know what made me see this, but it is all so clear now. I'm still a child inside with a lot to learn. I know too little about people, things, and life. And at the age of 18, most people are like me too. The closest thing I have to a lifetime of experience is probably Hollywood and Hollywood is for fantasies, not real life.

Everyone has their own opinions, but in my opinion, I'm not ready to date again unless I live on my own expenses and have my emotional issues sorted out. And I expect the same for my future girlfriend whom I can, hopefully, call her my wife someday.

Link to Heart by Jenna Anne: http://youtu.be/koBH4WuJRj4

Lost Pages: Past

If I could turn back time and change whatever I wanted, I would treat people better. It's not fun holding on to the regret of not being able to treat someone the way they deserved to be treated once they are gone. And the memories are painful because I only remember 2 things: (1) The undeserving good treatment that I got and (2) How much of a bastard I was. Every time I think of it, I feel like punching myself in the face.

Instead of going into self-hate, I should treat the current people in my life better but it's easier said than done. Nowadays, There are moments when I just can't stand myself. 

I used to be able to brush off negative comments but now, images of situations whereby this negative comment may be true comes into mind even when the comment is made by a friend who was merely joking.

There are so many regrets holding me back. Sometimes, I randomly grunt while eating or doing a task as I just recalled a mistake I've done in the past but when people ask me what's wrong, I'd say 'nothing'. 

I know it's like crying over spilled milk. Maybe I just need time to get over it.

Lost Pages: My Little Encounter

Today I am going to write something very intimate for a change. This post would actually be in my journal/dairy if I actually had one but the fact is, I don't. And so in this post I will talk about my honest feelings and hopefully you can relate to them. This kind of posts would be called 'Lost Pages' from now on.

Recently, I have decided to play Runescape... Hey! Don't judge, okay? I like to re-live my childhood once in awhile! Lol. Anyway, I could not excess my main account anymore (I haven't played it in 5 years, I think) so I started from scratch. Now, you have to understand that Runescape is the kind of game I would play due to boredom and it doesn't really matter what level I am at as long as I have fun with friends and keep myself occupied. So the thought of someone actually being proud of his or her level in Runescape didn't really seemed possible to me. I was level 80 once and I still die in the Wilderness, still smith items for money, and still am unable to solve certain quests! Eventually, I stopped playing cuz training when you are at such a high level is frustrating. You take a damn long time just to up a combat level (and that, was an important reinforcer to me). LOL!

But there are many cases of bullying in Runescape and (I believe) in other MMORPGs as well. And one most common form of bullying is verbal bullying (calling them noob, etc.). Today, I just met a guy who spotted me training on the guards at Varrock and upon seeing me struggling with the guard there he immediately said, "Lol, wtf." and then he proceeded to kill a guard. Considering that he is of quite a high level, he did it pretty easily. And so, he proclaimed, "That was easy. -.-" "Why the hell are you killing guards?" and he said more things but I can't remember. I didn't reply to any of them but I could feel that his level in Runescape meant a lot to him. I have to admit that his words got my heart racing. I could feel the anger rise in me but I made a promise to myself long ago that I would not fight pointless fights. So the next thing I could do was to think about that guy and relate what he did to real life. And now, I kinda thank fate that I met him.

He made me realised that whoever who makes fun of you while you are at a low point is most likely afraid that you will someday be better than them. At the gym for example, anyone who laughs at a fat person running on a treadmill or a skinny person trying hard to lift weights, is secretly afraid that those people will one day be better than them. They feel that they are better than those people and will never dare to believe that those people can, someday, come up to their level.

So now, whenever someone laughs at me or tries to demotivate me, I know that what I am doing is a threat to them... And it becomes a motivation.

Negativity Whirlpool

Those who understand the law of attraction would understand this easily. 

When someone believe that they are at a down period of their lives, they feel that nothing is going their way and the start to find examples of things not going their way. This creates a negativity whirlpool which will result in the person getting 'sucked' into a depressing state of constantly feeling lousy. This person could choose to dwell in the negativity until something good happens, or choose to start taking this more positively.

Halfway through September.

September has been a really embarrassing month for me. I got enlightened about my flaws and all the flaws of the people around me. And I feel that the only reason why things will never be good enough for any of us will be because of our constant longing for greater things.

Just like how a person with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) would keep on repeating an action because he/she thinks that it's not good enough (e.g. washing hands), we all have some level of obsession about improving ourselves or the things/people around us. And the beauty in this is that as long as someone in the human race isn't satisfied, the world will continue to 'develop' the human way.

Being able to recognise my flaws is a good thing as I will be able to develop myself. But it isn't always as easy as it sounds because people often have trouble accepting their flaws, which is the first step to change. And I am still struggling with that.

I don't know how to say this but there is a lot of self-hate and negativity that comes with the recognition of my flaws. I knew I wasn't perfect, but I didn't know that I was that bad. But whatever it is, there is no point of dwelling in self-pity and sorrow. It's time to do the best that I can to save the things I haven't destroyed and change for the better.

Wish me luck.

Life in General.

Recently, I have been having many thoughts about myself. And most of these thoughts are between the heart and the mind. I realised that up till the day that I die, I will be living life on a trial an error basis because there is no one right answer to life and there's no way to turn back and change a wrong answer.

On a random note, I really like bishan park. Lol. Gonna jog there more often.

Forgotten

This year I have learnt that once you stop doing something, it is as good as you've never started. Taekwondo, piano, choir... These are the things I feel that I shouldn't have stopped. However, I couldn't prevent not stopping choir since SP didn't have choir. but I really really missed being in choir. And no matter how you can't hear GYSS choir when they sing (somehow), I still miss being in it.

Today I was with my Taekwondo people at Bishan CC for a National Day Celebration and GYSS choir performed. And to my surprise, I couldn't recognize anyone anymore!! I fel
t like I was never in the choir. It's sad but true... I think the choir will never be what I remember it as ever again. When I graduated, my conductor left, and I think it was quite a bad timing because if my conductor stayed, I think I would still be in the choir even though I had my O's!

But old things have to go for the new ones to take it's place.
My batch was a unique batch but this new batch is their's to treasure.

And as for taekwondo and piano, these are skills that will disappear after you quit. Of course there will be a base that remains, but if you don't practice these skills for years, you are just slightly better than the pure beginner.

I'm not expecting myself to do ALL of these things intensely, but I hope that I can just do a little of each everyday.

Looking back.

You can't remember everything you've said or done. That's why it's good to keep a blog and sort out your thoughts. Whether people read this or not doesn't matter to me. In fact, I personally believe that no one ever reads my blog and that's why I get so shocked when people talk about my blog to me!

I used to do motivational posts. And I still wish to do so because writing helps me find the light in my dim situations. It helps me sort my thoughts and when I'm sad or stuck, I just look back at what I've said and see if it helps me or not.

This is a short paragraph I stumbled upon when looking back:

"Everything happens for a reason. If it wasn't because of the things that happened in the past, you wouldn't be at this state today. Whether your current state is good or bad, you are in it for a reason too. 

Since everything happens for a reason, you happened for a reason too. You have a role and purpose on this Earth and that is to be YOU. Everyone on this Earth is different and unique in their own ways. Some are fat some are skinny, some and generous and some are stingy. You are you for a reason and it's okay to be different. " - September, 2011

Life has been stressful for me lately but I have been taking it with a ton of positivity and managing it as well as I can. I think it will be awhile until I write posts like this again... but until then, you can randomly read my old posts! Hahah

Trust Issues

In a therapy session with a psychologist (who happened to be my lecturer), a child expressed rage and anger toward her parents. The psychologist managed to calm her down and asked her why she was so mad... The child replied, "BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE A SIBLING!!" It didn't make sense in the first place because having siblings would mean lesser space, lesser financial support, and even lesser attention because everything is shared! But upon further questioning, the child explained that she feared the day that her parents leave her because that would be the day she has no one to call her own.

As I grow up, I feel that there are really lesser and lesser people you can trust. Married couples divorce, best friends drift apart... Only those who share the same blood are bonded forever.

Cousins are not as directly linked as people under the same branches of the family tree. Plus, for me, I hardly talk to my cousins at all! Sometimes we don't even see each other during CNY. So I don't think I can depend on them if I have troubles in the future. But all these are just random worries that appear in my head. I believe that when the time comes, I will find a way. 

I hope I find a wife that I can really trust with all my heart. I can live on my own too, but of course I would prefer not to.

All the shitty-ness of my recent past relationships have left me pretty sick and tired of 'love' and I concluded that I am not mentally mature enough for a relationship yet as of now.